19 Days and Counting...

Nineteen days until I'm a wife. Nineteen. I can't believe it- it's coming and it's coming fast. Sometimes I'm filled with waves of nervousness when what-if's flood my mind, but most of the time I'm overflowing with excitement (the kind that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time).

I haven't written much in well, a few months, because honestly I haven't been sure how to put everything into words. I am currently living at home, working as a substitute teacher by day and at a childcare center by night. My weekends consist of wedding planning, apartment cleaning and commuting back and forth between home and what will be home. I've been applying to any teaching job that I see- with no real response and spend far too much time on pinterest finding ideas for my dream classroom and home.
Lifes been busy, life's been strange but this season has been short.

Living at home has been difficult, after not really full time living here since high school it has been an adjustment. I've changed, my parents have changed and it's been a struggle at times to see eye to eye- but it has really challenged me to grow.

So many changes are coming, so many things I could worry about but I KNOW God's got it. I really need to rest in that.

God's really been teaching me in this season that, in all seasons, HE is constant and He is in control.

Example: just a few weeks ago I was really worried about what I was going to do for a summer job (since subbing would end in early June and my income would stop). I had a few interviews that in the end had sounded really promising but I hadn't heard a response. So two weeks ago I had some serious time with God where I decided to let it go and give it all to Him- and wouldn't you know I got a job offer for each of the jobs I had applied for, and not only that- one of the jobs I had applied as a camp counselor at a small camp and they offered me the position of camp coordinator! I am beyond excited about this job- so much work to do, but it's going to be so worth it- I can just feel it :) If that's not proof God is faithful, I don't know what is!

So right now, in these days leading up to one of the most pivotal moments in my life I'm taking time to just be with God. To anchor my heart and my life deep in Him.

If you think of it over the next few weeks, could you pray for us? Could you pray that in these days leading up to our wedding that Christ would continue to grow us and root us in Him, that our marriage would be fully founded in His truths and that the gospel would be evident not only on our wedding day but through our lives. That our focus would be now and forevermore on Him. Thanks :)

"You're in control & You're all I need"

This song has been playing on repeat in my room all day- love Kari Jobe!

God is GOOD.

Hey!

My brother and sister have gone back to school, we finally had our first *winter* snow (it snowed back in October, but that was technically fall...so therefore it doesn't really count- right?). I'm getting into the groove of living back at home with my parents. I organized and cleaned the room that has been 'mine' for my entire life- came across a few treasures and a few changes to make it more home-y for me the next few months. I've spent my days applying to jobs, watching Friends, testing out some pinterest ideas and wedding planning (can you believe it's just 15 weeks away!).

God has been teaching me a significant amount during these days of quiet. He's been reminding me that life isn't about my plans and how I want things to go- but about Him and His perfect plans. He's been leading me in taking a look at where I place my identity and being defined by Him and nothing else. Finally He's been teaching me to let go, give Him control and rest in His provision and care. Some days this learning is tough and even painful but I know that He is using this season to refine me and draw me closer to Him- so it is beyond worth it.

In the past two weeks I have had five interviews, with a sixth tomorrow and I've gotten two job offers (which I have accepted)- talk about provision! God's also been opening doors for employment after the wedding, which is awesome! I went to an interview today for tssing/respite care and they mentioned they recently opened an office where I will be living after we're married and that they're looking to employ people there for those positions! How awesome is that! God is providing & I know He will continue to do so.

Perfect Plans

"When ours are interrupted, his are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) "toward the goal of true maturity" - Elisabeth Elliot

A New (Short) Chapter

I'm a college graduate!!!!

I graduated Saturday and since then it has been non-stop Christmas preparation with the family. I'm finding it hard to focus on the meaning and purpose of Christmas. All I can think about is the next four months and what lies ahead. I already miss my students, the busyness of teaching and being in front of a classroom full of children- and it's only been one week. I've applied a few places for subbing but haven't heard anything back yet- which is expected being the week before Christmas and all. I just wish I could square everything away and be ready to start working right after new years, but I'm going to need to wait on God's timing and stop trying to get things to work according to mine. Ha running theme of my life- I need to let go of my grip of control.

I've also been struggling lately with identity. I've been a student for almost all of my life, about 18 years, and now I'm not. I've noticed that I've placed so much of my identity in that part of myself and now that 'student' isn't a term that defines me I feel lost. It's a reality check in how much I place my identity in Christ and who He says I am as opposed to how this world defines me.

I'm hoping over the next few weeks to find a part-time job, start subbing, continue with wedding/marriage plans (it's about 4 months away!), and build on my support system here. After my siblings and friends head back to school I'll be living here for the next few months- I'm planning to look into the small groups at my church and possibly join one. Although I'll only be living here for a brief time I don't want to miss the opportunities God has for me now because I'm anxiously awaiting the next chapter to begin.

Dreams

Lately I feel in transition. I've been thinking and it seems to me that people in their twenties, heading into college, in college or just out of college are full of hope. They have a hope that their dreams, passions and desires will come true. They believe that anything is possible. Then a time comes when those earthly passions are crushed or destroyed (ha I know this sounds depressing but hold on). We grow up hearing that we can do whatever we wish, we just have to work hard enough and make it come true. Somewhere between childhood and shortly after college many people lose that hope. Where does it go? Why does it go?

I believe that many people let go of their hopes and dreams because of failure- because doors have been shut. Failure is a part of this earth- heaven has no failure, heaven has no pain. So I've been thinking: if we are seeking Christ in all that we do and desire- do our dreams fail? I believe that when we are truly seeking Christ our dreams and desires are no longer what we want, but they become what He wants. When our heart becomes aligned with God's He transforms us into who He created us to be, He transforms our hearts, refines our attitudes and not only that but He transforms our dreams and desires.

Lately I've been thinking about what my hopes and dreams are. I've been reminiscing on who I was as a small person in elementary school and who I am today- how much has changed. Looking back on my past 4 1/2 years in college I see so much change in who I am and just in life in general. When I look back, though it can be really difficult, it is also very refining and growing within itself.

I've been wondering: are my dreams, my hopes, and what I do- are they really centered around Christ and have they been placed on my heart and are they being done solely for God's glory- or are they things that my earthly sinful selfish desires.

I believe that dreams that are focused on Christ, that are for His glory, that have been placed within us by God for His purposes will never fail. It is when they are for this world and rooted in sin and selfishness that they wither and die.

I've been praying for God to refine me so that my heart, mind, actions and dreams would be centered on Him and for His glory alone.

I am so excited to start this new part of my journey, but I won't deny that I am a little scared. I know that God will lead me exactly where He wants me to do His work and that I need to seek Him for all of my comfort and joy but sometimes it's harder than it seems. It's hard to think that maybe what I've been thinking I will do with my life may, and probably will, look completely different than what I've imagined. It's hard to let go.

I pray that we all will be continually filled with His unending hope, comfort and joy and constantly remember that this life isn't about us and this world is not our home.

"Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your word." Psalm 119:3-37

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:4-7

Big Reminders from Little People

So tonight was my last night of the summer at my second job. I made a new friend there, he was four years old and was one of those children that if you give them the opportunity they will tell you their life story. He told things, repeated those things, and as we made animals out of play-doh an interesting conversation came up.

Boy: Polar bears are dying, so are whales. Do you know what death is?
Me: (completely shocked by this question and wanting to hear this small child's definition) what is it?
Boy: It's when we aren't on earth anymore, we go up to heaven- well, only if we know Jesus. Do you know Jesus?
Me: yes I do!
Boy: So you know that he died so we can go to heaven?
Me: (smiling big) yes I do.
Boy: Good. Do you know that God likes our prayers and listens to them? He knows everything we need. Do you know that?
Me: Yep (nodding and smiling even bigger)
Boy: Good, it's the truth.

Out of the mouths of babes, truth! God is so great! It's amazing what and who He uses to get our attention. God used that adorable little boy to remind me that He is in control and He hears me and knows all that I need. So comforting.

"Kisses from Katie"

So awhile ago I started following a blog called Kisses from Katie. On the blog, Katie a girl so close in age to me, shares her heart for God and how he is using her in Uganda. Her life is so powerful and encouraging. She is has written a book sharing about what God has been doing in her and through her in Uganda that will release in the fall that I can't wait to read. Today I found a video of her speaking a few years ago about her ministry and thought I would share it!





If only we all would cling to Christ with such reckless abandon, if only we would let go of living for ourselves and live for Him with all that we have- how awesome would it be? How clearly would Christ's light shine through us in this world?! Katie is such a clear picture of what it looks like to put Christ and God's will first in your life, to let go of our own plans and seek Him and His perfect plan.

Giving Him Control, I'm just a Sweaty Mess

Yesterday was probably the hottest day of the year. 102 with a "real feel" of 115= INSANE! The schedule at camp was changed so that the kids were ushered from the pool to a small trailer with air conditioning the whole day in order that no one would get sick and as far as I know- it worked! I started off the morning with a note from my 'secret buddy' (Secret buddies is something our camp does between staff memebers to encourage each other throughout the summer, each of us is given a name with a list of some of the things they enjoy so we know how best to encourage them). The note was a beautiful hand made card with this verse on it:

‎"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

The verse was such a good reminder that even though the day was hot and gross, there was no real reason to complain because this day was handcrafted by God and our only response should really be thankfulness.
Although the day was sooooo hotttt (the kind of hot where you feel as if you're covered in sticky syrup and you're walking into an oven each time you step out of the air conditioning) I'm pretty sure it was my favorite day of camp thus far. This week, in general was probably my favorite week at camp my past four summers there. I really felt like I was doing what God created me to do, and if you've ever had that feeling before then you know what I'm talking about- if not, I can't describe it it's just too wonderful it's as if all the pieces have come together and you feel completely at home.

This week, I was the camp bible teacher which meant that each day I was given the opportunity to share the truths with each group of kids (minus preschool and kindergarten, they have a separate time for just them) every. day. The first day I was really nervous, especially when it came time for the 5th/6th grade boys group (you know how intimidating boys that age can be ;)). The camp gave me some ideas for each day to go along with the main lesson for the week "God is always with you" but essentially as long as I did the main topic for each day, I could do whatever else I felt led to do with each group. On Monday I went up to the pavilion for a half hour before the kids structured activities started to prepare my heart and calm my nerves, I spent time in the word and praying that He would be the one speaking to these kids, not me, that it would be all in His power. I prayed that their hearts would be open to what He had to teach them and that my fears and my own ideas wouldn't inhibit what he had for them in ANY way. I felt such peace after turning it all over to Him. God really taught me this week how He really has it all under control, we just have to let go and let Him do his thing. Of course there were many points this week, where I needed to be reminded that there was no reason for me to be nervous, because it's His power at work not mine and that I needed to trust that if I let go He would give the words the kids needed to hear.

Although all week was hot, as the week went on it got progressively hotter. Each Friday at camp we have chapel, in my last post I talked a little about chapel last week. Well, this week I was to give the message at chapel. Thursday night I stayed up later than I should reading and rereading what I had planned. Chapel is meant to be an overview of all that was taught in bible that week and a presentation of the gospel, this week the entire camp's theme was "We R Family" and in bible we talked about Ruth & Naomi, the trinity, and the body of Christ. I had talked with the kids about being a part of the family of God each day and tied each day back to it and how God created and loves each of us wholly and entirely so much that he sent His son to die for us, in our place, so that we could spend eternity with Him. I talked about the Holy Spirit and how once we become a part of the family of God we are promised the Holy Spirit, a special helper that comes to live inside of us when we make the decision to live for Christ, which is with us wherever we go.

At the beginning of Chapel I tried to carefully read through my bullet pointed list I had made so I wouldn't miss anything. Part way through, me a drippy sweaty mess and my thoughts slightly frantic, I gave up in trying read it. I thought you know what, I've been making such a point of leaning on God alllll week, why am I trying to take over and control this so much?! So I put the paper down and God gave me the words, and immediately I felt a sense of peace sweep over me! It was as if God was saying, "TRUST Me, my ways are so much better than yours and I've got this completely under control, I have a plan for this." Andddddd 14 kids professed that they put their faith in Christ yesterday! So exciting!

I'm going to end with a quote from a blog I've been following for a while, this girl's life is sooo encouraging!

"All I want is more eyes on Him. I am just a broken mess, grabbing for His feet, reaching out to touch His cloak, thankful for His mercy that washes over me. I am just a little girl, relieved to crawl into His lap and curl up there."

Apart from Him we can do nothing

This past week was the longest week ever. Camp everyday all day, then either vacation bible school at my church or working my first few days at my new job. After my first day I found myself exhausted, stressed out and emotionally drained- and that was just the first day (hence my last post). God clearly showed me in daily living that apart from Him I can do NOTHING.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5

He showed me that when I try to do it all on my own all I get is weak, moody and defeated. The lies of the devil take over and my attitude becomes far what it should be. I've found that when I spend time each morning- no matter how long or short devoted to focusing on the Father and just BEING with Him, life is so much more focused and I'm a completely different person. It makes such a difference.

This coming week I will be taking on the role of camp bible teacher while the regular bible teacher is away on vacation. I'm so excited, and so nervous at the same time! I'm excited to be in the position for the week to share the word with these kids but nervous that my fears will take over. I'm praying that God would take over it all and give me His words. I'm also continuing to pray that the kids would be open to what He has to teach them at camp, and that His will would be done in their hearts.

This week I came across this song and it's been encouraging me all week to remember that I belong to Christ, as believers we chosen to be His children. Only through the blood of His Son we are made blameless and worthy. Each day belongs to Him and He holds us each day.

Blameless- Dara Joy Maclean

What manner of love is this that you would lay down your life?
You paid the price, the sacrifice for redemption
Now I am determined to know, Christ and Him crucified
Now alive and the power in me is You

I’m blameless
You call me holy
I’ve been forgiven, You call me righteous
I’m free
I’m spotless, You call me worthy
I am Your child
You call me chosen
I’m Yours, I am Yours

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession —to the praise of his glory." -Ephesians 1:3-14

Know that in Him you are forgiven. You are chosen, worthy, holy, blameless. You are His and apart from Him we can do nothing.

Seeking Him in ALL

As I've been reading through the old testament it has become completely clear that God's purpose through each situation is to draw us deeper into Him. I fully believe that God is working in each of our lives each day to mold us and shape us to be more like Him in order to bring Him glory. He is faithful through all and only when we are fully resting in Him will we be satisfied.

This past week at the beach I started reading a book called "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, it is one amazing book so far and I encourage you to read it. At various points in the book Mary stops and explains how she has seen God working through the difficult times to prepare them for what was to lay ahead, to bring them closer to Him. I have been beyond blessed to not have any extremely difficult times in my life thus far yea I've had times of sadness, loneliness, and hurt but I haven't had to endure sickness, loss or death in the way that many people have. It's so encouraging to me to hear other peoples stories and know that as they are walking through the darkness they still see Him, that they hear His call and are pushed closer into Him.

I found this story today and it, once again, shares about how God uses situations to draw us closer to Him. This is Aaron Shust explaining an amazing piece of His story.


I pray that no matter what situations I am faced with that I would press in to Christ deeper than before that I would trust Him no matter what, that I would rest in His arms and know that He is faithful. I pray that when all comes crashing down around those that I love that they would see this too and cling to Christ. I pray that when the lives of those around me shatter that He would give me to words to encourage them to press deeper into Him and know that He is sovereign and beyond good.

"Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream." - Larry Crabb

Learning about trust.......s l o w l y

Much has happened I guess since my last life-update. This past weekend seems like such a whirlwind! Friday-Saturday was my camp's staff overnight orientation, met some new people, played some crazy camp games, had sessions to remind us of all the policies and rules that go along with working at a camp, and met some new people. Saturday I needed to leave camp early for my little sister and her best friend's graduation party. Ethan came down for it, and it was nice to spend some time with him since I hadn't seen him since memorial day weekend for a few hours. There were MANY children at the party, it was great :). (And can I make a side note to say it feels like it's the summer of babies, I feel like I haven't gone more than a few days without playing with and holding a baby and I am COMPLETELY fine with that :).) Then, today after church we had a small reunion with some of the people that I was in youth group with in high school- it was sooo great to all be in one place to catch up, and reminisce about some of fun things that went on back then.

A few weeks ago, I found out that the nannying job that I thought I had for this summer wasn't going to work out because the family no longer had a need. At first I was upset because I really thought that God had orchestrated it so perfectly (you know, me planning for God and thinking that the way I think is what He's thinking... so doesn't match up with Isaiah 55:8 but you know...). I started applying all over for part-time evening jobs, but most places don't really like to hear that you can only work for a short amount of time each day and that you'll only really be there about 2 months all together, so I received no calls, no interviews- which I was okay with.
At this point I started repeating to myself daily, 'God provides all I need and if He doesn't provide a second source of income for me this summer, that's okay because He's in control and ultimately knows what I will need for the upcoming year.' To be honest this was so hard for be to be optimistic about partially because I had so many ideas of things I wanted to do this summer before work started and I haven't really been able to do any of them and partially because I feel like I really need to be saving up for after college. So, I was disappointed, but once again- planning my own life, not letting God take control and do His whole omnipotent thing never really works out. After I had pretty much given up on the idea of having another job this summer I saw that a new hourly childcare center was opening in just a few weeks in my area- I thought 'okay- THIS will be my last attempt,' the next day I got an email telling me that they were conducting their final interviews that night and what do you know- I got a job! (Well, they told me they are going to hire me once their enrollment goes up and the open but, still.) All about patience and trust. Clearly I'm still really in need of some work on the trust and letting go of control thing.

Tomorrow, I will start my first work day at camp with a few campers (I've gone in for set-up and clean up a few times already). Summer is getting rolling this week! I think that's enough of an update for now, hope your summers are going wonderfully as well whether they're busy or relaxed!

Also, check out this song- it's a new summer favorite :)

One year since Togo...

Today it has been exactly one year since I got on the plane to Florida and met my team for Togo. It's amazing how quickly a year goes! I feel like it was just a few weeks ago that I was having all of those feelings and fears- anxiety about going so far away, not knowing much about where I was going or what I was doing, fear about not being able to communicate with my loved ones at home, and being so unsure of what God had in store for us as a team. It's so incredible to look back and think of all God did on that trip, and after, and how unified our team became.

I'm kind of sad today, and missing my team because it has been a year- but I'm excited at the same time because at this moment there is a new team being trained to head to Togo (and some of my teammates are there to welcome and share with them!) I'll definitely be praying for them as they head off to partner with the work that is going on in Togo.

During the next few weeks, I've decided that each day I'm going to ready over my journal and the letters that I wrote- not only to remember how it was, to remember all of the feelings but to look at that chunk of time in my life that was so significant to my growth and maybe see how God moved in ways that I haven't noticed before.

I wish today that I could be in Florida preparing to go see some of these people again and continue where we left off last summer, but that's not where God has me this summer. For now the most I can do is pray for the names and faces of the people I met and share their stories.

A piece of my heart remains in Togo, but I also need to remember that the story God has for me here in the states is just as important to His story. Even though the ministry looks vastly different and our lives here are full of distractions, His story continues.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints." - Ephesians 1:18

Mashed Potato Hugs

Today was my last day at placement. I spent the morning teaching the most crucial skills of hula hooping and hopscotch in the warm sunlight. Once inside I discussed with three girls their paintings and noticed one girl has been continuously making pictures of her at the "big school." Kindergarten registration has come and gone and the majority of the children in the class have gone to visit their 'big schools' and the conversations about them and how different it will be have been flowing for a few weeks. I spent a good chunk of the rest of my day listening to and trying to calm some the fears of three small girls going to Kindergarten in the fall. We read books, looked at pictures and I shared with them what I remember about Kindergarten and what Kindergarten was like when I taught in it last semester. It really got me thinking about how often instead of embracing and being excited about life changes I fear them and avoid that they will be coming soon. I feel like fearing change and the future is some what natural. I've hit an age in life where most everyone around me is taking the leap of leaving home, leaving college, moving into searching for a career and becoming adults. It is a scary time, transition and change are full of unknowns and it's usually not the most comfortable thing but looking back there are so many events and changes in life that if we let fear take over and avoided them completely we would not be the people we are today.

God uses the difficult things, the hard things, the transitions to refine us, to make us more like Him- to be the people He created.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

Even though the girls I talked with this morning are only five, they have fears and worries about their future- though those fears seem small to us they are GIGANTIC to them. We all know that Kindergarten is not so scary a place, once you've been there and that once it turns time to move onto middle school similar feelings of fear start to arise but then we realized it really wasn't soooo bad. Just like those fears seem small to us now and how they molded us into who we are; our worries about where we'll work, live, what we'll be in five years will shape us into who we will be. God knows where we'll be in five years, and what we'll be doing- He's held each of us through our entire lives- He's drawn us into Him and He will continue to do so into eternity. We have no reason to worry or fear because the God who made the universe holds our little lives in the palm of His hand and He won't let us go.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 62:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:28-33

Today as I left to head to my last college classes of my undergrad, I left my little pre-kers eating their lunch of turkey and mashed potatoes. I stood at the door and said goodbyes to them all, told them I will miss them, that I hope that I'll see them again some day, wished them a good rest of the year. I was then stampeded by eighteen four and five year olds covered in mashed potatoes giving me the biggest group hug I've ever received. I sincerely will miss them, I don't know what the God has planned for their lives but I pray that they will come to know Him, rest all of their worries and cares in Him, and walk in His glorious plan for their lives.

Frozen in Time

Lately I've been stuck in this weird season where I feel frozen in time.

Last week there was an incredibly beautiful warm day and my roommates and I went for a long walk before dinner. It was beautiful and strange at the same time. We haven't done anything like that in a long time.

The three of us met first semester our freshman year and have been nearly inseparable at school ever since. Much has changed in our friendships over the past few years, but we've always had each other. We went from being homesick freshman looking for a way to feel 'settled' at school to roommates all living together looking forward to the next phase in our lives. We've seen each other at our weakest moments and struggled through difficult things and happy things together.

In less than two months I'll watch them walk across the stage to receive their diplomas and officially move into 'adulthood' while I watch from the sidelines. As we walked last week, we reflected on the past four years, talked about internships, wedding plans, and our dreams of life beyond college. I feel like I'm stuck in place, my friends who I started this journey with are moving onto their next journey while I'm still on this one. My friends who got engaged in the past few months will get married this summer and I'll still be planning. My sister and I had always talked about how we would be graduating the same spring and could plan a combined graduation party but that won't happen. She'll be starting college in the fall as I finish out my last semester. My best friend is graduating and making the decision of where to live next year and what to do next. Ethan is working in a real 'grown-up' job, and looking to move out. And I'll still be here. I know with all my heart that this is where God has placed me and that His sovereign hand is at work, but this week, in this instant I'm hoping for something beyond college life, to be preparing to find a real job, a place to live in another town, to get married, and be an adult, but for now this is where God has me. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in my friend's lives and in my own in the next year- so much will change and I know that. For once I'm looking forward to change, I'm ready for it (and if you know me you know typically I strongly dislike change), but that's not where God has me right now and I need to rejoice in the place He has me.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In a few weeks when I watch my friends walk across the platform and into the next phase of their lives it will be bittersweet. We'll need to say goodbye for now and step into the unknown of what exactly will be next for them. I'll miss them next year, but I know that God is at work in their lives as well, in their own journeys and we'll see each other again.

It's time to reflect on the past, rejoice in today, and move on into tomorrow.

Even though it feels as if my 'life is on hold for the moment, it's still moving and changing each day. Every moment is different than the millions before it and each of those moments is an opportunity to bring glory to God.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Finding Joy

Hello!

So I feel like not too much has changed since I posted last but I still feel like it's time for an update. A week ago I started interning at my preschool placement. Each time I go, I get up before the sun and head about a half hour away to ride the bus to pick up all of the children to go to school. For my first day I was super excited, not completely because I was finally starting my placement, but more so because I was going to be able to ride the bus on the way to A SCHOOL. I know this sounds completely ridiculous but, being someone who was categorized as a 'walker' from kindergarten up through high school, riding a school bus is still an exciting thing...at 21. My first day went smoothly, I spent most of it playing with the kids and getting a feel for their particular classroom. The assistants in the room had me do a little bit of sweeping and cleaning up around the room, but over all I enjoyed it. On the bus ride home the kids started asking the driver if she could play the radio for them, after a few children asked for the radio so she turned it on- and to my surprise they knew the majority of the words to each of the songs that came on, and undoubtedly at least one child on the bus knew who the singer was and the correct title for the song. This shocked me- something is not right in our world when a child can't tell you all of the letters in their name or read yet, but can sing every word to a Lady Gaga, or Justin Beiber song on the radio. It made me sad to think about how much these children DO know at such a young age, and how much they don't know at the same time.

I've gone back a few more times and progressively my time has been spent being asked to do things like clean the toilets, or sterilize the silverware and less and less time actually interacting with children. Another girl from my class and I decided that it was time to talk to our professor about this and see if these types of things are what we're supposed to be doing or not. Our professor is going to have a talk with the director of our school.

This got me thinking though about how I did the things that were asked of me, but my heart was so negative about it. In fact I've noticed how begrudgingly I have completed most everything the past few weeks. Although I enjoy my classes, I feel as if I'm not really getting anything out of them, my roommates aren't around much at all so I spend a lot of time alone, and it's cold out. I've just become quite the complainer. It's time for this to change. I need to start recognizing the blessings and being thankful for what God's doing in my life right now instead of waiting and hoping this will all be over soon. He has a reason for the quiet of my apartment, for the loneliness I feel, for me being in that school, for the classes I'm in and for me graduating a semester late. Although, it may seem easier to just 'do what I have to do' and complain about it- how much better would life be if I just looked at the blessings that God pours on me each day. I may not know why life is like this right now, but He has a purpose for it and instead of moping around and complaining about it- maybe I should take that time to thank Him and seek His purpose in all of it.

His thoughts and plans are bigger than I could imagine, my life does not belong to me- it is hidden in Him. I have nothing to complain about.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

So with all that being said (sorry for the depressing tone of all of the above :)) I will now make a list of some of the blessings God has given me.

- I am able to go to college, to take classes, and work with children
- I don't have to worry where my next meal is coming from
- My apartment has heat (and we don't have to pay for it)
- I have a family and although sometimes they show it it strange ways, they love me
- Jesus died to save ME, that's the biggest blessing of them all
- The sun is out today, and it's kind of spring-like
- I have some amazing friends, who I know are there for me- even when I can't see them
- I have a wonderful fiance who listens to my complaining and encourages me
- I am able to plan a wedding
- I have my own room and a significant amount of 'free time'
- I made a dessert on Friday afternoon, and it turned out much better than I expected it to
- I have a car, with gas in it
- I was able to go to Africa this summer on a missions trip and was taught so SO much

There are a lot more, I'm sure of it. This week I'm going to take time to note the blessings and not the complaints- after all, what do I really have to complain about anyway???

Have a great week!

"Discontent will destroy your peace, rob you of joy, make you miserable and spoil your witness. We dishonor God if we proclaim a God who satisfies and then go around discontent." J.I. Packer