God is GOOD.

Hey!

My brother and sister have gone back to school, we finally had our first *winter* snow (it snowed back in October, but that was technically fall...so therefore it doesn't really count- right?). I'm getting into the groove of living back at home with my parents. I organized and cleaned the room that has been 'mine' for my entire life- came across a few treasures and a few changes to make it more home-y for me the next few months. I've spent my days applying to jobs, watching Friends, testing out some pinterest ideas and wedding planning (can you believe it's just 15 weeks away!).

God has been teaching me a significant amount during these days of quiet. He's been reminding me that life isn't about my plans and how I want things to go- but about Him and His perfect plans. He's been leading me in taking a look at where I place my identity and being defined by Him and nothing else. Finally He's been teaching me to let go, give Him control and rest in His provision and care. Some days this learning is tough and even painful but I know that He is using this season to refine me and draw me closer to Him- so it is beyond worth it.

In the past two weeks I have had five interviews, with a sixth tomorrow and I've gotten two job offers (which I have accepted)- talk about provision! God's also been opening doors for employment after the wedding, which is awesome! I went to an interview today for tssing/respite care and they mentioned they recently opened an office where I will be living after we're married and that they're looking to employ people there for those positions! How awesome is that! God is providing & I know He will continue to do so.

A New (Short) Chapter

I'm a college graduate!!!!

I graduated Saturday and since then it has been non-stop Christmas preparation with the family. I'm finding it hard to focus on the meaning and purpose of Christmas. All I can think about is the next four months and what lies ahead. I already miss my students, the busyness of teaching and being in front of a classroom full of children- and it's only been one week. I've applied a few places for subbing but haven't heard anything back yet- which is expected being the week before Christmas and all. I just wish I could square everything away and be ready to start working right after new years, but I'm going to need to wait on God's timing and stop trying to get things to work according to mine. Ha running theme of my life- I need to let go of my grip of control.

I've also been struggling lately with identity. I've been a student for almost all of my life, about 18 years, and now I'm not. I've noticed that I've placed so much of my identity in that part of myself and now that 'student' isn't a term that defines me I feel lost. It's a reality check in how much I place my identity in Christ and who He says I am as opposed to how this world defines me.

I'm hoping over the next few weeks to find a part-time job, start subbing, continue with wedding/marriage plans (it's about 4 months away!), and build on my support system here. After my siblings and friends head back to school I'll be living here for the next few months- I'm planning to look into the small groups at my church and possibly join one. Although I'll only be living here for a brief time I don't want to miss the opportunities God has for me now because I'm anxiously awaiting the next chapter to begin.

Dreams

Lately I feel in transition. I've been thinking and it seems to me that people in their twenties, heading into college, in college or just out of college are full of hope. They have a hope that their dreams, passions and desires will come true. They believe that anything is possible. Then a time comes when those earthly passions are crushed or destroyed (ha I know this sounds depressing but hold on). We grow up hearing that we can do whatever we wish, we just have to work hard enough and make it come true. Somewhere between childhood and shortly after college many people lose that hope. Where does it go? Why does it go?

I believe that many people let go of their hopes and dreams because of failure- because doors have been shut. Failure is a part of this earth- heaven has no failure, heaven has no pain. So I've been thinking: if we are seeking Christ in all that we do and desire- do our dreams fail? I believe that when we are truly seeking Christ our dreams and desires are no longer what we want, but they become what He wants. When our heart becomes aligned with God's He transforms us into who He created us to be, He transforms our hearts, refines our attitudes and not only that but He transforms our dreams and desires.

Lately I've been thinking about what my hopes and dreams are. I've been reminiscing on who I was as a small person in elementary school and who I am today- how much has changed. Looking back on my past 4 1/2 years in college I see so much change in who I am and just in life in general. When I look back, though it can be really difficult, it is also very refining and growing within itself.

I've been wondering: are my dreams, my hopes, and what I do- are they really centered around Christ and have they been placed on my heart and are they being done solely for God's glory- or are they things that my earthly sinful selfish desires.

I believe that dreams that are focused on Christ, that are for His glory, that have been placed within us by God for His purposes will never fail. It is when they are for this world and rooted in sin and selfishness that they wither and die.

I've been praying for God to refine me so that my heart, mind, actions and dreams would be centered on Him and for His glory alone.

I am so excited to start this new part of my journey, but I won't deny that I am a little scared. I know that God will lead me exactly where He wants me to do His work and that I need to seek Him for all of my comfort and joy but sometimes it's harder than it seems. It's hard to think that maybe what I've been thinking I will do with my life may, and probably will, look completely different than what I've imagined. It's hard to let go.

I pray that we all will be continually filled with His unending hope, comfort and joy and constantly remember that this life isn't about us and this world is not our home.

"Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your word." Psalm 119:3-37

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:4-7

Come Thou Fount

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise mine Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

I am graduating in just a few short weeks and getting ready to head out into the real world. Though I am not entirely sure where I will be in the next few weeks and months I pray that I would cling to Christ more than ever. I pray that I would praise the God whose mercy never ceases and that my heart would remain fixed in His love and grace every day.

Teaching

I have wanted to be a teacher for...forever. In first grade and all through elementary school I would beg to stay in at recess and 'help' the teacher (I know, I was pretty cool right!?). After school I would retreat to my own 'classroom' in the basement and teach my sister and any one else from the neighborhood who would come over everything I had learned so far. I have a teacher's heart. Teaching has been a desire God has placed on my heart from a very young age.

Now that I am actually teaching real children in a real school I have been reflecting a lot about why I want to be a teacher. What aspects of my teaching am I trying to rely on myself too much for and have been noticing how much letting go and giving God the control I need to do- in every area of my life, including teaching. There have been some hard days and some difficult realizations that I've learned about myself. Through it all though, I really feel like this is something God has gifted me with, my abilities to teach are not my own and they are to be used wisely.

I've learned quite a bit about children as well, in particular third graders. Each day I learn something new about my students, I have learned that home, no matter how wonderful or saddening it is, affects every child- it molds them and shapes them in every aspect of who they are. I have students who come from loving homes and students who are the ones at home cooking, cleaning, and putting the younger ones to bed. I have students who are shuffled back and forth between homes so much that they don't even know where their home is. There are days when I come home with my heart broken and aching for the children in my classroom, and all around the world. There have been days when I have cried out to God asking Him why some children's parents just don't care. What I've learned through student teaching is that my deepest desire for them is not that they would be able to be proficient in math and reading, but for them to know Christ.

I want all of them to know that they are loved, they were created by the King, that they are not alone. He sees them when they're hurt, when they're alone, when they just want to be kids, he sees them when they do well in school, when they score a soccer goal and when they are happy. I want them to know that Christ died for them, that He wants a relationship with them and that He wants to redeem them. I want them to know that this world is not where we belong, that although academics are important, Christ is of the utmost importance, nothing is greater. I long for them to know him, to desire relationship with Him, yearn for Him and seek Him. I pray that they would see Him through me, even though I can't speak His name I want Him to use me for His purposes, to reach children for His kingdom.

I have 8 more weeks with these kids, 8 more weeks to make an impact on them. I don't want to waste them by counting down to graduation. God has given me these 90 students for 16 weeks for a reason, and I do not want to take it lightly. Too often I focus on what is ahead and I miss what is in front of me, I think we all do that.

At camp this summer there was a boy who, whenever his group was in the pavilion I worked in, would come to me and ask for a bible to read. He would sit at a table each day and read through the book of Psalms. He would sit alone and just read. It was clear he was so in love with the word. The last week of camp I asked him if he had a bible of his own- he told me that he didn't so I offered to try to find one for him. On the last day of camp I went to find him to give him a bible the camp had given me for him and he wasn't there- his last day of camp was the previous day. I decided to mail him the bible with a little note saying how encouraging it was for me to see him falling in love with the word, that I was sorry that I didn't get the bible to him before he left, and encouraged him to keep reading and soaking in the word. It was mailed to him and honestly, I completely forgot about it until earlier this week when I received an envelope from camp. In the envelope was a thank you card with the handwriting of a ten year old boy saying:

"Dear Christin, Thank you so much for the bible I really appreciate it. I try to read it every day. I hope I get to see you this summer."

That simple note, made my week. God used that simple action to make a difference. I may not be able to give my students each a bible, but I can show them that I care, I can allow Him to shine through my words, through my actions and through my responses to behavior and all of the random stories I hear each day. I want Him to use me however He chooses, I want Him to take over my actions and my words and live through me.

I feel everything I hear about finding a teaching job in this area makes it sound nearly impossible. When I think about it though, God does not give us gifts and abilities to be wasted. He has reason for our training, for our desires- I don't think He would place those desires and longings in our hearts for them not to be used. My teaching career may not look like how I've always picture it to look. My abilities might not even be used in a school setting, or they might. I may not get my dream teaching job in a year, or ever, but I believe God will give me opportunities to use the gifts He has given me with for His purposes, to make an impact for His kingdom and bring Him glory.

Sorry if that was a bit of ramble, but that's my heart this week!

Giving Him Control, I'm just a Sweaty Mess

Yesterday was probably the hottest day of the year. 102 with a "real feel" of 115= INSANE! The schedule at camp was changed so that the kids were ushered from the pool to a small trailer with air conditioning the whole day in order that no one would get sick and as far as I know- it worked! I started off the morning with a note from my 'secret buddy' (Secret buddies is something our camp does between staff memebers to encourage each other throughout the summer, each of us is given a name with a list of some of the things they enjoy so we know how best to encourage them). The note was a beautiful hand made card with this verse on it:

‎"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

The verse was such a good reminder that even though the day was hot and gross, there was no real reason to complain because this day was handcrafted by God and our only response should really be thankfulness.
Although the day was sooooo hotttt (the kind of hot where you feel as if you're covered in sticky syrup and you're walking into an oven each time you step out of the air conditioning) I'm pretty sure it was my favorite day of camp thus far. This week, in general was probably my favorite week at camp my past four summers there. I really felt like I was doing what God created me to do, and if you've ever had that feeling before then you know what I'm talking about- if not, I can't describe it it's just too wonderful it's as if all the pieces have come together and you feel completely at home.

This week, I was the camp bible teacher which meant that each day I was given the opportunity to share the truths with each group of kids (minus preschool and kindergarten, they have a separate time for just them) every. day. The first day I was really nervous, especially when it came time for the 5th/6th grade boys group (you know how intimidating boys that age can be ;)). The camp gave me some ideas for each day to go along with the main lesson for the week "God is always with you" but essentially as long as I did the main topic for each day, I could do whatever else I felt led to do with each group. On Monday I went up to the pavilion for a half hour before the kids structured activities started to prepare my heart and calm my nerves, I spent time in the word and praying that He would be the one speaking to these kids, not me, that it would be all in His power. I prayed that their hearts would be open to what He had to teach them and that my fears and my own ideas wouldn't inhibit what he had for them in ANY way. I felt such peace after turning it all over to Him. God really taught me this week how He really has it all under control, we just have to let go and let Him do his thing. Of course there were many points this week, where I needed to be reminded that there was no reason for me to be nervous, because it's His power at work not mine and that I needed to trust that if I let go He would give the words the kids needed to hear.

Although all week was hot, as the week went on it got progressively hotter. Each Friday at camp we have chapel, in my last post I talked a little about chapel last week. Well, this week I was to give the message at chapel. Thursday night I stayed up later than I should reading and rereading what I had planned. Chapel is meant to be an overview of all that was taught in bible that week and a presentation of the gospel, this week the entire camp's theme was "We R Family" and in bible we talked about Ruth & Naomi, the trinity, and the body of Christ. I had talked with the kids about being a part of the family of God each day and tied each day back to it and how God created and loves each of us wholly and entirely so much that he sent His son to die for us, in our place, so that we could spend eternity with Him. I talked about the Holy Spirit and how once we become a part of the family of God we are promised the Holy Spirit, a special helper that comes to live inside of us when we make the decision to live for Christ, which is with us wherever we go.

At the beginning of Chapel I tried to carefully read through my bullet pointed list I had made so I wouldn't miss anything. Part way through, me a drippy sweaty mess and my thoughts slightly frantic, I gave up in trying read it. I thought you know what, I've been making such a point of leaning on God alllll week, why am I trying to take over and control this so much?! So I put the paper down and God gave me the words, and immediately I felt a sense of peace sweep over me! It was as if God was saying, "TRUST Me, my ways are so much better than yours and I've got this completely under control, I have a plan for this." Andddddd 14 kids professed that they put their faith in Christ yesterday! So exciting!

I'm going to end with a quote from a blog I've been following for a while, this girl's life is sooo encouraging!

"All I want is more eyes on Him. I am just a broken mess, grabbing for His feet, reaching out to touch His cloak, thankful for His mercy that washes over me. I am just a little girl, relieved to crawl into His lap and curl up there."

The Solid Rock

Last week at camp chapel the person giving the message used a visual where she put two cup houses in a basin. One cup house was rested on a rock and the other on a pile of sand (based off of the passage in Matthew 7). She dumped a pitcher of water into the basin and you guessed it... the sand pile dispersed. It was such a great image of what life living leaning on the Rock as opposed to trying to do it on our own. This parable is something I have heard over and over in my life but actually seeing a visual of it really got me thinking. Is my life built on the Rock in every area, or are there areas where I'm leaning on sand?

Ever since last Friday this song has been going through my head and tonight while listening to it I looked up the lyrics. I love hymns and the power that their words hold, this hymn does not disappoint!

The Solid Rock
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Psalm 37 & Week 1 of Camp

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." Psalm 37:4-6

Last night while I was checking my email and such before bed I came across a video talking about the above verse and it really got me thinking so I thought I'd share the thoughts with you! When we commit our lives to Christ and let the Holy Spirit take control and change our hearts and mindset, the Lord's desires become our own. Our purposes and desires transform into His own purposes and desires. He will make His plans come to be, and he will do it gloriously! This only happens though we we let go of our grip of control on our own lives, when we stop trying to make our personal plans and desires come to pass. When we make it about Him and not about us. When we commit our ways to Him and delight ourselves only in him, all of our ways, plans, desires, hopes, thoughts, attitudes, and purposes to Him- they will succeed. We were created by a loving, all-powerful, all-knowing God who has a perfect plan- not to trust him and give him full control seems ridiculously stupid yet every day I find myself more concerned with how I feel and what I want than who He is and putting Him first in every area of my life.

On another note...

It's half-way through the first 'official' week of camp- so far so good! It's definitely different being the arts and crafts teacher than it has been counseling in the past. Instead of having a small group of kids to get to know well, I get to see every child in the camp at least two times each week. I'm trying and praying about ways to minister to such a large amount of kids in a way that truly shows them Christ. I'm loving just talking with random kids that I see throughout the day and asking them about what they've been learning in bible this week. As an 'extra time' craft this week I had some of the groups make gospel bead bracelets where each bead represents a part of the gospel- I had the kids put each bead on and asked them what they thought each bead might represent. It's been so cool to hear how much some of these kids already know about the gospel and to hear some of them communicate it to their peers. I'm also loving seeing how unique each child's individual projects are- every. one. is. different. (even the ones that are trying to 'match' a friend's picture) it's awesome to see the individuality that God's given these kids. (I'll have to post some pictures of a few of the projects!)

Frozen in Time

Lately I've been stuck in this weird season where I feel frozen in time.

Last week there was an incredibly beautiful warm day and my roommates and I went for a long walk before dinner. It was beautiful and strange at the same time. We haven't done anything like that in a long time.

The three of us met first semester our freshman year and have been nearly inseparable at school ever since. Much has changed in our friendships over the past few years, but we've always had each other. We went from being homesick freshman looking for a way to feel 'settled' at school to roommates all living together looking forward to the next phase in our lives. We've seen each other at our weakest moments and struggled through difficult things and happy things together.

In less than two months I'll watch them walk across the stage to receive their diplomas and officially move into 'adulthood' while I watch from the sidelines. As we walked last week, we reflected on the past four years, talked about internships, wedding plans, and our dreams of life beyond college. I feel like I'm stuck in place, my friends who I started this journey with are moving onto their next journey while I'm still on this one. My friends who got engaged in the past few months will get married this summer and I'll still be planning. My sister and I had always talked about how we would be graduating the same spring and could plan a combined graduation party but that won't happen. She'll be starting college in the fall as I finish out my last semester. My best friend is graduating and making the decision of where to live next year and what to do next. Ethan is working in a real 'grown-up' job, and looking to move out. And I'll still be here. I know with all my heart that this is where God has placed me and that His sovereign hand is at work, but this week, in this instant I'm hoping for something beyond college life, to be preparing to find a real job, a place to live in another town, to get married, and be an adult, but for now this is where God has me. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in my friend's lives and in my own in the next year- so much will change and I know that. For once I'm looking forward to change, I'm ready for it (and if you know me you know typically I strongly dislike change), but that's not where God has me right now and I need to rejoice in the place He has me.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In a few weeks when I watch my friends walk across the platform and into the next phase of their lives it will be bittersweet. We'll need to say goodbye for now and step into the unknown of what exactly will be next for them. I'll miss them next year, but I know that God is at work in their lives as well, in their own journeys and we'll see each other again.

It's time to reflect on the past, rejoice in today, and move on into tomorrow.

Even though it feels as if my 'life is on hold for the moment, it's still moving and changing each day. Every moment is different than the millions before it and each of those moments is an opportunity to bring glory to God.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Being Transformed and Refined

So here I am, back at school. It's strange coming back to a quiet (for the most part) apartment building after being at home for a month. I really like living at school but to be honest, sometimes I miss the constant noise and the blessing of not having to figure out what I'm doing for dinner :). Break was great, I got to spend a lot of time with my friend Kari who I didn't get to talk to much throughout the fall semester, I got to go on a camping trip with Ethan's family for a few days and got to know them all a little better, did some wedding planning- even got a dress, and of COURSE I got to spent time celebrating Christmas and hanging out with my family.

Classes have started and so far my schedule is extremely free, a HUGE change from last semester and I know that in the future having this much free time will be greatly missed- it's a blessing and I need to be soaking it in while it's here. I've been loving my classes so far- there's just something about my early childhood classes that is so interesting to me, little ones hold such a big place in my heart! Next week I'm hoping to start my Preschool placement. I'm thrilled that I got my first choice in schools and I'm so excited get in there and start working!

Since being back at school I've had a lot of time alone in the quiet,and a significant amount of time to reflect and spend time in the Word. When I'm home on breaks I always tend to struggle in finding distraction-less time (and quiet) to just be in the Word (believe me I *know* the time exists when I'm home I just never seem to use that time wisely) so this week has been so SO wonderful.

Sunday nights I am a part of a small bible study group the group was smaller than usual this week, but I'm so glad I went. Earlier in the week I had begun reflecting on the verse Romans 12:2
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

During the week I really spent time thinking about what it means to be transformed and renewed by Christ and how that transformation helps us decipher what God's will is. At bible study, the leader brought up Romans 12:2 in discussion. He talked about how this verse isn't saying that the changes of being different from this world aren't by our own power and conscious effort but stem from seeking God and letting Him consume and transform our lives from the inside out, it's His power at work within us doing the changing. What really stuck out to me was when the leader began to share that the word "approve" in this verse in Greek is actually a metal working term. When I got back I looked it up and found that it means "to test, examine, prove, scrutinize (to see whether a thing is genuine or not), as metals." Isn't that interesting? In 1 Peter it says that the tests and trials that we go through are refining our faith to prove its genuine-ness and this verse is referring to a similar concept. God is renewing, transforming, and refining us into the people He's created us to be in order to glorify Himself.

Church on Sunday morning also ran with a similar theme...kind of. The message really wasn't anything that I hadn't heard before but sometimes the truths that we hear often are the ones we *need* to be hearing over and over and over. The pastor spoke about how our relationship with Christ is what our life is an outpouring of. For example, the more we are attempting to being filled with the things of this world, the more we will reflect what we are filling ourselves with. When we are inwardly seeking God, desiring Him and spending time in the Word, He begins to transform us from the inside out. The pastor used the example of a 'cracked pot'. He said that when you put a light under a clay pot it's impossible to see the light beneath it, but when the clay is slowly chipped away the light begins to shine through. The message really made me start to think more deeply about the situations that I let harden my heart and distract me from my relationship with Christ. There are places in my heart where the feelings of being wronged and betrayed have taken deep root and where healing and transforming *needs* to be done. They are obstacles in my path to holiness I'm praying and seeking God for His help in clearing them away.

I'll end with this verse:
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5