God is GOOD.

Hey!

My brother and sister have gone back to school, we finally had our first *winter* snow (it snowed back in October, but that was technically fall...so therefore it doesn't really count- right?). I'm getting into the groove of living back at home with my parents. I organized and cleaned the room that has been 'mine' for my entire life- came across a few treasures and a few changes to make it more home-y for me the next few months. I've spent my days applying to jobs, watching Friends, testing out some pinterest ideas and wedding planning (can you believe it's just 15 weeks away!).

God has been teaching me a significant amount during these days of quiet. He's been reminding me that life isn't about my plans and how I want things to go- but about Him and His perfect plans. He's been leading me in taking a look at where I place my identity and being defined by Him and nothing else. Finally He's been teaching me to let go, give Him control and rest in His provision and care. Some days this learning is tough and even painful but I know that He is using this season to refine me and draw me closer to Him- so it is beyond worth it.

In the past two weeks I have had five interviews, with a sixth tomorrow and I've gotten two job offers (which I have accepted)- talk about provision! God's also been opening doors for employment after the wedding, which is awesome! I went to an interview today for tssing/respite care and they mentioned they recently opened an office where I will be living after we're married and that they're looking to employ people there for those positions! How awesome is that! God is providing & I know He will continue to do so.

Big Reminders from Little People

So tonight was my last night of the summer at my second job. I made a new friend there, he was four years old and was one of those children that if you give them the opportunity they will tell you their life story. He told things, repeated those things, and as we made animals out of play-doh an interesting conversation came up.

Boy: Polar bears are dying, so are whales. Do you know what death is?
Me: (completely shocked by this question and wanting to hear this small child's definition) what is it?
Boy: It's when we aren't on earth anymore, we go up to heaven- well, only if we know Jesus. Do you know Jesus?
Me: yes I do!
Boy: So you know that he died so we can go to heaven?
Me: (smiling big) yes I do.
Boy: Good. Do you know that God likes our prayers and listens to them? He knows everything we need. Do you know that?
Me: Yep (nodding and smiling even bigger)
Boy: Good, it's the truth.

Out of the mouths of babes, truth! God is so great! It's amazing what and who He uses to get our attention. God used that adorable little boy to remind me that He is in control and He hears me and knows all that I need. So comforting.

I want to give You EVERYTHING.

This is my prayer as I think about everything that is going to happen in the next year :)

Broken Cisterns

So this summer I've been slowly rereading a book that I was given last summer upon returning home from Togo. This morning I read a portion of the book that really got me thinking. The book is called Unearth and it's by Christy Vidrine and Autumn Rogers, I highly recommend it (especially if you've ever gone over seas or are planning to ever go).

"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters,and hewed out cisterns for themselves,broken cisterns that can hold no water." Jeremiah 2:13

"We were never made to love within our own power. We are broken cisterns and we spend most of our time and energy trying to keep enough 'water' to sustain ourselves. God knew this and that is why He tells us to stay near the living water. We must be ever renewed by Him if we are going to love others well. If Christ's love is the only thing that can truly sustain and fulfill you, then how can we ever love apart from it. God tells us our broken cisterns can hold no water; we must come to Him to provide."

Cisterns (from what I understand it after looking it up on the completely reliable source google ;)) are kind of like wells, they were used to hold water. Broken cisterns are practically worthless, dirt would enter the water making it pretty much unusable. We build our own cisterns we we try to control things or when we think we can do it all on our own. The cisterns we build are cracked unable to be fully filled or used. I'd imagine that when a cistern was cracked water would also leak out, making it nearly impossible to keep the cistern full. Without Him we can do nothing, without Him we are empty and unsatisfied. We are broken cisterns who need to rely on Him so He can fill in our cracks, make us whole, and use us for what we were intended.

Giving Him Control, I'm just a Sweaty Mess

Yesterday was probably the hottest day of the year. 102 with a "real feel" of 115= INSANE! The schedule at camp was changed so that the kids were ushered from the pool to a small trailer with air conditioning the whole day in order that no one would get sick and as far as I know- it worked! I started off the morning with a note from my 'secret buddy' (Secret buddies is something our camp does between staff memebers to encourage each other throughout the summer, each of us is given a name with a list of some of the things they enjoy so we know how best to encourage them). The note was a beautiful hand made card with this verse on it:

‎"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

The verse was such a good reminder that even though the day was hot and gross, there was no real reason to complain because this day was handcrafted by God and our only response should really be thankfulness.
Although the day was sooooo hotttt (the kind of hot where you feel as if you're covered in sticky syrup and you're walking into an oven each time you step out of the air conditioning) I'm pretty sure it was my favorite day of camp thus far. This week, in general was probably my favorite week at camp my past four summers there. I really felt like I was doing what God created me to do, and if you've ever had that feeling before then you know what I'm talking about- if not, I can't describe it it's just too wonderful it's as if all the pieces have come together and you feel completely at home.

This week, I was the camp bible teacher which meant that each day I was given the opportunity to share the truths with each group of kids (minus preschool and kindergarten, they have a separate time for just them) every. day. The first day I was really nervous, especially when it came time for the 5th/6th grade boys group (you know how intimidating boys that age can be ;)). The camp gave me some ideas for each day to go along with the main lesson for the week "God is always with you" but essentially as long as I did the main topic for each day, I could do whatever else I felt led to do with each group. On Monday I went up to the pavilion for a half hour before the kids structured activities started to prepare my heart and calm my nerves, I spent time in the word and praying that He would be the one speaking to these kids, not me, that it would be all in His power. I prayed that their hearts would be open to what He had to teach them and that my fears and my own ideas wouldn't inhibit what he had for them in ANY way. I felt such peace after turning it all over to Him. God really taught me this week how He really has it all under control, we just have to let go and let Him do his thing. Of course there were many points this week, where I needed to be reminded that there was no reason for me to be nervous, because it's His power at work not mine and that I needed to trust that if I let go He would give the words the kids needed to hear.

Although all week was hot, as the week went on it got progressively hotter. Each Friday at camp we have chapel, in my last post I talked a little about chapel last week. Well, this week I was to give the message at chapel. Thursday night I stayed up later than I should reading and rereading what I had planned. Chapel is meant to be an overview of all that was taught in bible that week and a presentation of the gospel, this week the entire camp's theme was "We R Family" and in bible we talked about Ruth & Naomi, the trinity, and the body of Christ. I had talked with the kids about being a part of the family of God each day and tied each day back to it and how God created and loves each of us wholly and entirely so much that he sent His son to die for us, in our place, so that we could spend eternity with Him. I talked about the Holy Spirit and how once we become a part of the family of God we are promised the Holy Spirit, a special helper that comes to live inside of us when we make the decision to live for Christ, which is with us wherever we go.

At the beginning of Chapel I tried to carefully read through my bullet pointed list I had made so I wouldn't miss anything. Part way through, me a drippy sweaty mess and my thoughts slightly frantic, I gave up in trying read it. I thought you know what, I've been making such a point of leaning on God alllll week, why am I trying to take over and control this so much?! So I put the paper down and God gave me the words, and immediately I felt a sense of peace sweep over me! It was as if God was saying, "TRUST Me, my ways are so much better than yours and I've got this completely under control, I have a plan for this." Andddddd 14 kids professed that they put their faith in Christ yesterday! So exciting!

I'm going to end with a quote from a blog I've been following for a while, this girl's life is sooo encouraging!

"All I want is more eyes on Him. I am just a broken mess, grabbing for His feet, reaching out to touch His cloak, thankful for His mercy that washes over me. I am just a little girl, relieved to crawl into His lap and curl up there."

Looking Back and Moving Forward

So it's nearing the end of my second week of school. I'm all settled into my room and getting used to being back.I'm working at remembering and living out the lessons God taught me this summer by trying to let go and surrender each day to Christ.
Today I have for the most part free, so I decided to sit down and read through my journal from Togo (or at least some of it, it's pretty long!) I found an entry from the third week where I listed all of the lessons I had learned so far on the journey, this is it :)

"Lessons learned from Togo

Though I've only been here for a few short weeks I've already learned so much that I don't want to ever forget.
I've learned how blessed I truly am, I grew up in a place where material things are taken for granted, and so easily I'm blinded and forget how much I'm blessed each day. I've seen how truly lucky I am.

I've seen how faithful God is and learned the power of prayer. I've learned the importance of abiding in God ALONE.

I've seen how much control and how many distractions Satan uses to draw me away from God. I've learned that if I just spend the time I set apart for God for HIS glory, and really dig deep, how much He has to reveal to me. I've learned that abiding and trusting God with everything means fully surrendering without fear or doubt.

I've learned how little I know and how much I need to learn.

I've seen firsthand how God can use anything He wants, even the color of my skin to reveal His glory. I've realized how often I limit God's power in my mind and I know that He is capable of much more than i can imagine and does things in HIS timing HIS way. I've learned how sweet and good His timing and and His way really are.

I've seen poverty and lifestyles I hardly believed existed or had only read about it books or seen on t.v. I've seen how much joy that believers living in those hard situations have and how they realize that this life isn't about them or their wants or needs, but God is good despite the circumstances and His joy lasts.

I've seen how much sin reigns over peoples lives and how much we are in need of a Savior. I've learned how strong Satan is, but how much STRONGER God is. I've learned that PERFECT LOVE casts out ALL fear.

I've learned that when you turn all your worries and anxieties over to Christ FULLY and lay them at the cross He will supply all you need and FILL you with a peace and joy beyond any we have tried to build for ourselves or find here on this earth. And indescribable peace and joy that can only come from Christ.

I've learned that God is Sovereign and His ways and His purposes are higher than any of mine could ever be (by far.)

I've learned that even though at times I may feel worthless, useless or incomplete ONLY HE can fill me and satisfy all of my desires. God knows what I need. He is all I need.

I've seen the beauty of God's creation through His people, His scenery, in children's laughs and in the night sky. I've grown deeper in relationship with my Father in heaven and realize how far I have to go. It's come to my attention how frequently I've put my relationship with Christ on the sidelines of my life and how much I desire for Him to be my first priority in ALL areas of my life.

I've seen how powerful the gospel is and how through its simplicity and freedom people can be transformed. God is molding each of His children, God is transforming me, into His image.

I've realized that the bible is FULL of truth. Every single piece, every word, every promise. The creator of the WHOLE world loves me, takes care of me, provides all I need and I take it so lightly. I have no reason to be afraid or worried: the God who made the stars, the universe and everything in it is in control of my life.

I've learned more about God's gift of the Holy Spirt and how much His gift of grace and freedom from sin really is worth.

I've learned that although overseas missions isn't something I feel called to right now, His ministry is something that we as believers are called to each day, wherever we are in whatever we are doing. All we do should be done for His glory alone.

I've learned that although I often get nervous or afraid, unless I step out in faith and do what I'm afraid of and let go of my fears, those fears will never subside. Perfect love, only Christ's love, casts out fear.

I've seen how easy most American's have it materialistically and how entitled we think we are to having that ease. I've learned how worthless everything on this Earth is in comparison to Christ. I've learned to appreciate what I've been given more.

I've learned that each moment is its own and should be treated for what it is: a fleeting gift.

I've been reminded that my life is not my own, that the only purpose worth living for is God's.

I've seen, played with, and held some of the 'unloved' and 'unwanted' of this world and learned how much God's love alone is all that can satisfy. He is all they need, and He is all I need. As believers we are all called children of God.

I've learned that when you 'lose your life' for Christ that is when you find it.

I am hidden with Christ in God and He is all I need. All else can fade away, all I need is Jesus.

I've seen how much I struggle with pride, selfishness, patience, compassion, kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness (just to name a few) and know that only with the help of the Holy Spirit can any of that change.

I've been reminded of how unworthy I am of God's gift and how much I don't deserve His love and grace and how my life should be lived as a life of praise and thankfulness to the King.

I have been entrusted (1 Timothy 1:14) with the gift of the gospel, I am an heir to His inheritance and have access to the kingdom. I need to live a life worthy of the gospel (Philippians 1:27) and of the calling. I need to pour the fragrance of Christ wherever I am, during whatever I'm doing (2 Corinthians 2:14-15).

I want to daily live in His presence, soaking in as much of Him as I can and let it overflow to the world around me. I want Jesus to be the center and the source of my life."



"There is nothing good, nothing holy, nothing beautiful, nothing joyous which He is not to His servants. No one need to be poor, because, if he chooses, he can have Jesus for his own property and possession. No one need to be downcast, for Jesus is the joy of heaven, and it is His joy to enter into sorrowful hearts. We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. All our lives long we might talk of Jesus, and yet we should never come to and of the sweet things that might be said of Him. Eternity will not be long enough to learn all He is, or to praise Him for all he has done, but then, that matters not; for we shall be always with Him, and we desire nothing more." - A.W. Tozer

This life is not your own

Well, the summer is coming to an end, two weeks from tonight I'll be at my apartment soaking in the last few hours of summer. I've been back from Africa for as long I was IN Africa for and God has continued to teach me things from the experience.

Something that God has been continually hitting me with is the fact that this life is not about me. This life isn't mine. None of my possessions, relationships, none of my moments, nothing belongs to me. It's crazy to think about how most of our lives are centered on getting what WE want and on US being happy. If life is about our happiness, then what is the whole point?

I spent this past week at the beach with my extended family for a (mostly) all girls week. It was astonishing to me to look around on the beach at all of the people and to try and figure out what they were thinking. I love to put myself into other peoples heads and try to figure out who they are outside of the moment that I see them. It's so cool to think about how God created each and every person, and each of them has a purpose in His story, but so sad to think that most of the people we see every day live their lives as if they are the main character of THEIR story and not a small part in HIS. I'm guilty of living this way myself but it's insane to think about how many people in this world don't know or really just don't care to know that they have the opportunity to be a child of the King, the Creator of the Universe and can have access to His kingdom. How often do we stop to think that our emotions, what we want/like to do really doesn't matter? I know that for me, I have to make a conscious effort to see past my own mind and selfishness, it's hard. We live in a culture that idolizes 'self.' We're told, often indirectly, that we are the best and that we can do anything that we want. We're told that being driven and accomplishing OUR goals is what is important, getting ahead of everyone else is what's important- but what about everyone else. We, as much as we believe we are, are not the center of our world. As much as we try to control our lives, we are not the ones in control. We need to live acknowledging daily that our lives are not our own, our moments are fleeting and don't belong to us. We need to live with purpose, a purpose beyond ourselves, because after all, we aren't the main characters of our story.

During debrief after our trip they gave us a small book called "Unearth" it was all about processing everything that we had just seen overseas and transitioning back into the fast-paced American culture. I avoided reading the book until this past week, not because I didn't want help processing the trip, but after the first few days back the joy that I felt made me believe that I was okay, I was processing just fine and didn't need any help thinking through things, well now that the distractions of life have hit me head on (and this is only summer break!) I've found myself starting to "forget" and revert back to my "old mindset." I decided to read the book, not because I necessarily realized this but because I had finished everything else I brought to read and it was the only book I had left, I'm so glad I read it though. I've noticed since being home that I have avoided trying to talk about the trip or really even think about it too much. It's so strange to think that a little over a month ago I was living in a completely different world, a world where physical need was so blatant. It's kind of hard to think about where I was and how the people I got to know live daily, and are continuing to live while I sit in my house with four walls, a roof, running water, electricity, a bed for each person and more food than we could ever eat. The book talks about how it's easy to avoid this tension in our minds, it compares it to the awkwardness we often feel when we see a homeless person on the street. It talked about how while we struggle through all of this mentally to remember that GOD IS GOOD. In a lot of ways I feel like the people who live in need are so much better than us who have practically everything at our fingertips. We live in a world of excess where we can be so easily tricked into thinking that what we want is of importance, it's 'the norm' to live selfishly. We are called to live for God, not ourselves: "And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:15

During my week at the shore I was blessed to spend an evening on the beach completely alone with nothing but my bible and my journal watching the sun set. It had been a few days since I had set apart significant time to just BE with God and talk with Him about what's going on in my mind, to separate myself completely from the world and distractions. I was reminded how easily I am distracted and how often my motives revolve around myself and not God. My prayer lately has been that God will purify my motives, that my life would revolve around HIM and not me.

I'm starting to crave the quiet, distraction-less times the times where I can just sit and write and think and be with God alone. Something new for me since I've returned from Africa is running, I've grown to love it- granted I don't make it very far and I'm not very fast but I love it because when I'm running it's a time that's practically distraction free. It's just me and God, no phone, no computer, no one else. Running is never something I thought I'd say I would enjoy.

I feel like I'm starting to ramble, but there's one last thing I wanted to share, a quote from the 'Unearth' book: "...there is an opportunity to be an offering every moment of everyday." Each moment of every day needs to be surrendered to God because the moments aren't for us to cling to and use as we please.

Change in the Making

So I realize that it's been f-o-r-e-v-e-r since I've written on this, I kind of just made it, wrote in it and never returned to it. So much has happened in my heart and my mind since I wrote last, God's been doing big things in revealing Himself to me. I won’t be saying to much about Africa in this post but hopefully as time goes on I’ll write about it more. About a week ago I returned from most definitely the biggest adventure of my life as of yet. So much happened and I learned great leaps and bounds (God's still teaching me some lessons from the trip and I'm sure He will continue to do so for a LONG time.)

This past week I've had time to reflect back on the summer, my life and my relationship with God over the past few years. My time in Africa was a time with very limited communication outside of our team, and very few distractions I could easily sit for an hour or more journaling and praying and reading: spending time being still and communicating with God only. That time was so fruitful, and such a blessing. It was amazing to spend that much intimate time with God; I have never felt so close to Him as I feel now. This trip not only opened my eyes up to the world but to the largeness and sovereignty of God. I'm in awe of His greatness. He is so full of grace and so loving and I don't deserve ANY of it in ANY way- none of us do. He’s amazing. Something that has been on my mind a lot since I've gotten back is "okay God so you revealed so much of Yourself to me in Africa and revealed to me a lot about myself, how do I apply it here." If you've ever gone to a camp or on mission trip of any kind you know that when you get back you're on a "spiritual high" and typically in a few weeks that’s gone, once reality hits you go back to your normal way of living. I’ve spent a majority of this past week trying to go against the flow of the ‘normal’ I’ve tried to apply the changes and what I have learned the past six weeks to my ‘real life’ because let’s face it- if I don’t try to do it now it probably won’t happen. It’s been so freeing to just take time to BE with God and to take time to surrender what I’m doing to Him- He has filled me with and inexpressible and glorious joy that I never want to fade. I know that as I start working and head back to school in a few weeks that it will become harder to go against the norm but I really desire nothing more than to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ.

Right now I feel so full and so satisfied; my heart is so full of joy at times I feel like it could explode. I never want to fall of this ‘mountain top’ and back into the valley again I want to continue climbing- continuing to strive after God and living my life for Him. Christ is all I want to live for. These times I’ve spent alone with God I’ve seen how much my life and my mind revolve around MY wants, MY needs, and MY worries and how little I surrender myself to Him. Something that hit me kind of hard the first few weeks in Togo was the fact that in sharing the gospel with people I would often say that “Christ is the only thing that can fill you and satisfy you, He is ALL you need.” I spent a good amount of time thinking ‘if this is what I truly believe, do I live like that?’ the answer is no. That was a hard reality to meet, it was definitely a turning point. I know that Christ is the only thing that can fill me, and that He can transform an mold my life in MUCH greater ways that I could ever imagine or attempt to create for myself. I am blessed with so much: amazing friends, the ability to go to school, really every moment I am showered with countless blessings (we all are) but we don’t NEED any of it. The moment we start living as if we are the ones in control of our lives or that anything we have in our lives is more important than God, that’s the moment we stop trusting God. That hits hard too: how often do our thoughts and actions revolve around ourselves, how often do we surrender ourselves and our blessings to God and say “God it’s all yours- use it as you please” I know it’s been pretty rare in my life.

In Togo I started reading a book called “The Pursuit of God” by A.W. Tozer and it talks a little bit about this:
“We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really save which is not so committed.”

I need to let go of everything I cling to, no matter how difficult it is and cling to Christ with EVERYTHING. When my life is committed to Him what could be better?
At the beginning of this week I wrote out a few questions to ask myself on a daily (well, continual) basis:
1. Who am I living for right at this moment, who am I glorifying: God or myself?
2. Have I surrendered this to God? Am I trusting Him with it- or trying to deal with it on my own?

My deepest desire is to grow deeper in relationship with God and live fully surrendered to Him. I really hope that as life starts to pick up that I’ll remember that this life is not about me, that I am blessed beyond imagination, and that the Creator of the universe loves me and hold my every moment in the palm of His hand. Christ is all that I need, all that any of us need.