A New (Short) Chapter

I'm a college graduate!!!!

I graduated Saturday and since then it has been non-stop Christmas preparation with the family. I'm finding it hard to focus on the meaning and purpose of Christmas. All I can think about is the next four months and what lies ahead. I already miss my students, the busyness of teaching and being in front of a classroom full of children- and it's only been one week. I've applied a few places for subbing but haven't heard anything back yet- which is expected being the week before Christmas and all. I just wish I could square everything away and be ready to start working right after new years, but I'm going to need to wait on God's timing and stop trying to get things to work according to mine. Ha running theme of my life- I need to let go of my grip of control.

I've also been struggling lately with identity. I've been a student for almost all of my life, about 18 years, and now I'm not. I've noticed that I've placed so much of my identity in that part of myself and now that 'student' isn't a term that defines me I feel lost. It's a reality check in how much I place my identity in Christ and who He says I am as opposed to how this world defines me.

I'm hoping over the next few weeks to find a part-time job, start subbing, continue with wedding/marriage plans (it's about 4 months away!), and build on my support system here. After my siblings and friends head back to school I'll be living here for the next few months- I'm planning to look into the small groups at my church and possibly join one. Although I'll only be living here for a brief time I don't want to miss the opportunities God has for me now because I'm anxiously awaiting the next chapter to begin.

Dreams

Lately I feel in transition. I've been thinking and it seems to me that people in their twenties, heading into college, in college or just out of college are full of hope. They have a hope that their dreams, passions and desires will come true. They believe that anything is possible. Then a time comes when those earthly passions are crushed or destroyed (ha I know this sounds depressing but hold on). We grow up hearing that we can do whatever we wish, we just have to work hard enough and make it come true. Somewhere between childhood and shortly after college many people lose that hope. Where does it go? Why does it go?

I believe that many people let go of their hopes and dreams because of failure- because doors have been shut. Failure is a part of this earth- heaven has no failure, heaven has no pain. So I've been thinking: if we are seeking Christ in all that we do and desire- do our dreams fail? I believe that when we are truly seeking Christ our dreams and desires are no longer what we want, but they become what He wants. When our heart becomes aligned with God's He transforms us into who He created us to be, He transforms our hearts, refines our attitudes and not only that but He transforms our dreams and desires.

Lately I've been thinking about what my hopes and dreams are. I've been reminiscing on who I was as a small person in elementary school and who I am today- how much has changed. Looking back on my past 4 1/2 years in college I see so much change in who I am and just in life in general. When I look back, though it can be really difficult, it is also very refining and growing within itself.

I've been wondering: are my dreams, my hopes, and what I do- are they really centered around Christ and have they been placed on my heart and are they being done solely for God's glory- or are they things that my earthly sinful selfish desires.

I believe that dreams that are focused on Christ, that are for His glory, that have been placed within us by God for His purposes will never fail. It is when they are for this world and rooted in sin and selfishness that they wither and die.

I've been praying for God to refine me so that my heart, mind, actions and dreams would be centered on Him and for His glory alone.

I am so excited to start this new part of my journey, but I won't deny that I am a little scared. I know that God will lead me exactly where He wants me to do His work and that I need to seek Him for all of my comfort and joy but sometimes it's harder than it seems. It's hard to think that maybe what I've been thinking I will do with my life may, and probably will, look completely different than what I've imagined. It's hard to let go.

I pray that we all will be continually filled with His unending hope, comfort and joy and constantly remember that this life isn't about us and this world is not our home.

"Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your word." Psalm 119:3-37

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:4-7

Teaching

I have wanted to be a teacher for...forever. In first grade and all through elementary school I would beg to stay in at recess and 'help' the teacher (I know, I was pretty cool right!?). After school I would retreat to my own 'classroom' in the basement and teach my sister and any one else from the neighborhood who would come over everything I had learned so far. I have a teacher's heart. Teaching has been a desire God has placed on my heart from a very young age.

Now that I am actually teaching real children in a real school I have been reflecting a lot about why I want to be a teacher. What aspects of my teaching am I trying to rely on myself too much for and have been noticing how much letting go and giving God the control I need to do- in every area of my life, including teaching. There have been some hard days and some difficult realizations that I've learned about myself. Through it all though, I really feel like this is something God has gifted me with, my abilities to teach are not my own and they are to be used wisely.

I've learned quite a bit about children as well, in particular third graders. Each day I learn something new about my students, I have learned that home, no matter how wonderful or saddening it is, affects every child- it molds them and shapes them in every aspect of who they are. I have students who come from loving homes and students who are the ones at home cooking, cleaning, and putting the younger ones to bed. I have students who are shuffled back and forth between homes so much that they don't even know where their home is. There are days when I come home with my heart broken and aching for the children in my classroom, and all around the world. There have been days when I have cried out to God asking Him why some children's parents just don't care. What I've learned through student teaching is that my deepest desire for them is not that they would be able to be proficient in math and reading, but for them to know Christ.

I want all of them to know that they are loved, they were created by the King, that they are not alone. He sees them when they're hurt, when they're alone, when they just want to be kids, he sees them when they do well in school, when they score a soccer goal and when they are happy. I want them to know that Christ died for them, that He wants a relationship with them and that He wants to redeem them. I want them to know that this world is not where we belong, that although academics are important, Christ is of the utmost importance, nothing is greater. I long for them to know him, to desire relationship with Him, yearn for Him and seek Him. I pray that they would see Him through me, even though I can't speak His name I want Him to use me for His purposes, to reach children for His kingdom.

I have 8 more weeks with these kids, 8 more weeks to make an impact on them. I don't want to waste them by counting down to graduation. God has given me these 90 students for 16 weeks for a reason, and I do not want to take it lightly. Too often I focus on what is ahead and I miss what is in front of me, I think we all do that.

At camp this summer there was a boy who, whenever his group was in the pavilion I worked in, would come to me and ask for a bible to read. He would sit at a table each day and read through the book of Psalms. He would sit alone and just read. It was clear he was so in love with the word. The last week of camp I asked him if he had a bible of his own- he told me that he didn't so I offered to try to find one for him. On the last day of camp I went to find him to give him a bible the camp had given me for him and he wasn't there- his last day of camp was the previous day. I decided to mail him the bible with a little note saying how encouraging it was for me to see him falling in love with the word, that I was sorry that I didn't get the bible to him before he left, and encouraged him to keep reading and soaking in the word. It was mailed to him and honestly, I completely forgot about it until earlier this week when I received an envelope from camp. In the envelope was a thank you card with the handwriting of a ten year old boy saying:

"Dear Christin, Thank you so much for the bible I really appreciate it. I try to read it every day. I hope I get to see you this summer."

That simple note, made my week. God used that simple action to make a difference. I may not be able to give my students each a bible, but I can show them that I care, I can allow Him to shine through my words, through my actions and through my responses to behavior and all of the random stories I hear each day. I want Him to use me however He chooses, I want Him to take over my actions and my words and live through me.

I feel everything I hear about finding a teaching job in this area makes it sound nearly impossible. When I think about it though, God does not give us gifts and abilities to be wasted. He has reason for our training, for our desires- I don't think He would place those desires and longings in our hearts for them not to be used. My teaching career may not look like how I've always picture it to look. My abilities might not even be used in a school setting, or they might. I may not get my dream teaching job in a year, or ever, but I believe God will give me opportunities to use the gifts He has given me with for His purposes, to make an impact for His kingdom and bring Him glory.

Sorry if that was a bit of ramble, but that's my heart this week!

Campfires, Silly Songs, and Jesus

This upcoming week is the last week of camp. I can't believe it's come to an end, Friday it started to hit me that next year I won't be returning and that I have no clue what God has planned for what I will be doing.

The summer after Fourth grade I went to camp for the first time. I was terrified. Months leading up to it I would spend sleepless nights crying about how I afraid to go- and I was only going for one week. One day into camp I was in love, I never wanted to leave. There was (and still is) just something so special about being at camp- the singing, the quiet, the silly, and I absolutely loved how close I felt to God at camp when I was younger. At home, yea I would go to church and sunday school and wednesday night bible club but camp was different.

At camp we would have campfire messages each night, quiet devotions each morning, and time each day with our counselor where they would teach a bible lesson. I think I can honestly say that I was saved in sunday school at a young age but I fell in love with Jesus at camp. Each summer I would go back and fall deeper into relationship with Him and it would continue throughout the year mostly (there is always that mountaintop feeling after camp that I never quite got to stay entirely through the school year). Camp was a place empty of problems and worries and full of Jesus.

Once I hit the end of middle school I joined my original camp's counselor in training program, eventually counseled there and began going to a beach camp with my church youth group (which was special in its own way but loved just as much in my heart).

When I got to college I decided that God called me to stay home in the summers and I began working at a christian day camp near to my home (all the amazing-ness of my first camp minus the sleep-away and campfire fun).

This way may be my last week at camp ever, and it could very well not be- who know's what God has in His blueprint for me, but I know one thing. I have one week left this summer with these kids, one week left to show them Jesus. I pray that this week they would fall in love with Christ and make the decision to become a follower of Him, leaving the worldly way behind. I pray that the kids who only know of Jesus and hear about Him because of camp that they would have a fire in their heart to want to know more, to seek Him even when their families and homes don't. I pray that their eyes would be enlightened and that they would know the HOPE that there is in Christ, that they would yearn to be a part of His kingdom and live as a child of the King.

I don't know what God has planned for me next year, but I do know that this week He has me at camp loving on these kids and being His light. We are all messy, we're all sinners and it's only by His grace that we can have hope and walk in His glorious ways. I will miss this camp next summer more than I can say, but I know that, just as camp was the place where I fell in love with Jesus and my life was changed, kids will be impacted and He will use it to make kingdom decisions and life changes for however long it exists.

Baby Sister's Graduating

Tomorrow night my baby sister will graduate from high school. It's crazy how quickly time goes, I remember the day she came home from the hospital- how excited I was to have a real baby to play with instead of my dolls.

I remember being incredibly eager to help out in any way that my parents would would let me, their four year old, help. I gave her bottles, read her stories, sang songs with her and dressed her up in some crazy things. A year or so later once I started school my eagerness of wanting to help her in any way changed to wanting to teach her everything I knew. I begged my teachers for their extra worksheets and set up a classroom in my basement and nearly every afternoon and weekend from kindergarten up through elementary school my sister, some neighborhood kids and I would play school. She will forever be my first student.

As time went on our friendship as sisters has changed, as I'm sure most siblings do. There were times when we were super close and other times where we were more distant and got on each other's nerves quite easily. When I left for college I left a girl who was entering 9th grade, who was still trying to figure out who she was and was as goofy as most any other 14 year old is. Each time I have come home for break I found she had matured in ways that she didn't really even notice. These past few times especially I have come home to a beautiful, strong, and bubbly young woman. This summer she is not at all the same as she was the summer before I left for college. It's crazy how much of a difference 4 years makes in a person's life.

I'm so blessed to have her as a sister and it is so incredibly exciting to be able to have seen her grow up and be apart of her life. It's been beyond cool to have conversations about the bible and God and it is immensely encouraging how eager she is to build a firm relationship with Christ. She's one amazing girl, she is the funniest, prettiest, most amazing girl I know and I can't wait to see what God has in store for her in her college years and beyond. Rachel, I love you.

Thankfulness & Rainy Days

I am halfway through my second week of summer, it's a particularly rainy, dreary week where I'm spending much of my time organizing old treasures, being crafty, and talking with the dogs. it's quiet, but I'm learning to enjoy it. My nannying job should be starting up pretty soon, and camp won't be starting up for another month- so I'm thinking I should soak in this relaxation time and relish it for as much as it's worth.

I've starting reading a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and granted I'm only on

the second chapter but so far she's said some things that have really got me thinking about life and whether I'm living it out in a way that's pleasing to the Lord or if I'm wasting my days away.
It's easy for me to think that days like today are 'wasted days,' the days where it's pouring down rain and the only thing on my schedule is to take my sister to school and clean/organize something, but those aren't wasted days. The wasted days are the days we don't take time to spend with the Father, the days we are incessantly ungrateful- and I have to admit I've had quite a few of those days this summer but I've decided that those days will be no more. We are flooded with too many blessings each day to live ungrateful and selfish lives.

"Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other."- Ann Voskamp

Also this week I've been looking at Ecclesiastes 11, which reminds me of something out of a Dr. Seuss book.

"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." 11:1

- So I'm not really sure what this verse means, at all. I think it could mean something about holding things loosely, sharing what we've been blessed with because God will continue to provide.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, Maker of all things." 11:5

- This one is a bit easier to figure out and I love it- we can't even begin to comprehend our God's ways but they are perfect and amazing.

"Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun. However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all but let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many. Everything to come is meaningless." 11:7-8

- Take time to enjoy each day, be thankful for each one. Don't forget the difficult or 'dark' days of your testimony because God uses them too to sculpt us into who He's created us to be.

"So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless." 11:10

- Banish anxiety and worry and fear from your heart- for our desires and are youth mean nothing in comparison to Christ and living for Him.

After spending much of this week searching through the drawers and boxes of the room my sister and I grew up in- sorting through the 'treasures' we've kept over the years these verses kind of hit me a different way. I may be an 'adult' now, but I'm still young and there is more of my life ahead of me (Lord willing) than what is behind. Although all that remains of my childhood are memories, photographs and boxes of 'treasures' there is still a sweetness to life. There is sweetness in each season of life, no matter which season you're in, there is beauty in each day- if you take the time to notice it.

So my goal for the next few weeks is to take more time to spend with the Father, be grateful for each moment I get to spend with those I love and overflow with thankfulness for all Christ has done for me. Soak in the sweetness and beauty of each day- whether it's full of tasks or empty of tasks.

Sunshine

Yesterday was my birthday, for 22 years now I've been living on this earth. It's crazy to think that I'm getting that old...I know that I will never be any younger than I am today but I feel as if 22 is an age where you truly become a grown up. It's exciting, bittersweet, scary, and beautiful all at the same time.

It was a wonderful birthday full of friends, sunshine and love. I spend the majority of the day enjoying the sunshine on a hike with three of my closest friends here at Ship and laying on a beach of a lake not too far from school (the same place actually where Ethan and I got engaged a few months ago). They were calling for rain on Tuesday and miraculously it was warm and sunny all day! I loved it! We came back then and got ready for a dinner out- which was equally as good.

This past weekend I headed to Lancaster to hang out, celebrate my birthday with Ethan and (the real reason for being in Lancaster) to surprise my best friend Kari at her school's senior commissioning- and it was a success!

God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life, and I am not deserving of it in the least bit, but I'm so thankful for each and every person He's placed along my path :)

The past few days I've been thinking quite a bit how even though I'll be coming back in the fall I'm kind of closing the door or 'rounding' a corner in my college life, or I guess really with life in general. So many things are about to change: this summer I will be taking on a different role at the camp I've been working at the past few years and at the end of the summer, in the fall my sister will begin her first year of college and I'll be starting student teaching, beginning my job hunt and planning for my wedding. Today I completed my last final of my college career and my summer has begun. My roommates and best friend will be graduating this weekend and as everything shifts and changes I know that there is a constant. God is here, He always has been and He always will be. The same God who created the universe and holds it together is in control of my life even if the changes seem like madness He's got it.

A few days ago the director of the camp I work at emailed me the idea of being the camp's bible teacher this summer instead of taking on the role as the arts & crafts teacher. The idea scared me a little, the idea of leading chapel each week really, and so I spent a few days praying and trying to determine if this is what God had planned for me this summer. While trying to figure it out someone shared this passage with me:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13

Verse 13 is a familiar verse to most, but this really got me thinking that no matter what obstacle stands in my path, if Christ is my anchor, the one whom my identity and fully reliance is in- nothing is impossible. After I responded to the camp director that I knew it would be a stretching experience but I was willing to try it out I got a text from my friend saying that someone she knows was really interested in the job. It's interesting how God does things, I had come to a decision that I was going to trust Him in it and knew that He would give me all I needed for that job then in the end I won't be doing it after all. It was a lesson that He's more interested in the molding and teaching than in the outcome. So, this summer I will be teaching arts and crafts at camp and she will be doing bible. I'm pretty excited and content in the fact that God will use each person at camp this summer, regardless of our job descriptions, to spread His name, show His love, and bring Him glory and I will continue to trust that He'll be more than enough for me in whatever I'll be doing. I. can't. wait.

Welp, I think that's enough for today. Hope this post finds you in the middle of a beautiful week whether it's rainy or sunny, happy or sad we have Christ and in that we can rejoice and that is truly beautiful!

Frozen in Time

Lately I've been stuck in this weird season where I feel frozen in time.

Last week there was an incredibly beautiful warm day and my roommates and I went for a long walk before dinner. It was beautiful and strange at the same time. We haven't done anything like that in a long time.

The three of us met first semester our freshman year and have been nearly inseparable at school ever since. Much has changed in our friendships over the past few years, but we've always had each other. We went from being homesick freshman looking for a way to feel 'settled' at school to roommates all living together looking forward to the next phase in our lives. We've seen each other at our weakest moments and struggled through difficult things and happy things together.

In less than two months I'll watch them walk across the stage to receive their diplomas and officially move into 'adulthood' while I watch from the sidelines. As we walked last week, we reflected on the past four years, talked about internships, wedding plans, and our dreams of life beyond college. I feel like I'm stuck in place, my friends who I started this journey with are moving onto their next journey while I'm still on this one. My friends who got engaged in the past few months will get married this summer and I'll still be planning. My sister and I had always talked about how we would be graduating the same spring and could plan a combined graduation party but that won't happen. She'll be starting college in the fall as I finish out my last semester. My best friend is graduating and making the decision of where to live next year and what to do next. Ethan is working in a real 'grown-up' job, and looking to move out. And I'll still be here. I know with all my heart that this is where God has placed me and that His sovereign hand is at work, but this week, in this instant I'm hoping for something beyond college life, to be preparing to find a real job, a place to live in another town, to get married, and be an adult, but for now this is where God has me. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in my friend's lives and in my own in the next year- so much will change and I know that. For once I'm looking forward to change, I'm ready for it (and if you know me you know typically I strongly dislike change), but that's not where God has me right now and I need to rejoice in the place He has me.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In a few weeks when I watch my friends walk across the platform and into the next phase of their lives it will be bittersweet. We'll need to say goodbye for now and step into the unknown of what exactly will be next for them. I'll miss them next year, but I know that God is at work in their lives as well, in their own journeys and we'll see each other again.

It's time to reflect on the past, rejoice in today, and move on into tomorrow.

Even though it feels as if my 'life is on hold for the moment, it's still moving and changing each day. Every moment is different than the millions before it and each of those moments is an opportunity to bring glory to God.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11