19 Days and Counting...

Nineteen days until I'm a wife. Nineteen. I can't believe it- it's coming and it's coming fast. Sometimes I'm filled with waves of nervousness when what-if's flood my mind, but most of the time I'm overflowing with excitement (the kind that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time).

I haven't written much in well, a few months, because honestly I haven't been sure how to put everything into words. I am currently living at home, working as a substitute teacher by day and at a childcare center by night. My weekends consist of wedding planning, apartment cleaning and commuting back and forth between home and what will be home. I've been applying to any teaching job that I see- with no real response and spend far too much time on pinterest finding ideas for my dream classroom and home.
Lifes been busy, life's been strange but this season has been short.

Living at home has been difficult, after not really full time living here since high school it has been an adjustment. I've changed, my parents have changed and it's been a struggle at times to see eye to eye- but it has really challenged me to grow.

So many changes are coming, so many things I could worry about but I KNOW God's got it. I really need to rest in that.

God's really been teaching me in this season that, in all seasons, HE is constant and He is in control.

Example: just a few weeks ago I was really worried about what I was going to do for a summer job (since subbing would end in early June and my income would stop). I had a few interviews that in the end had sounded really promising but I hadn't heard a response. So two weeks ago I had some serious time with God where I decided to let it go and give it all to Him- and wouldn't you know I got a job offer for each of the jobs I had applied for, and not only that- one of the jobs I had applied as a camp counselor at a small camp and they offered me the position of camp coordinator! I am beyond excited about this job- so much work to do, but it's going to be so worth it- I can just feel it :) If that's not proof God is faithful, I don't know what is!

So right now, in these days leading up to one of the most pivotal moments in my life I'm taking time to just be with God. To anchor my heart and my life deep in Him.

If you think of it over the next few weeks, could you pray for us? Could you pray that in these days leading up to our wedding that Christ would continue to grow us and root us in Him, that our marriage would be fully founded in His truths and that the gospel would be evident not only on our wedding day but through our lives. That our focus would be now and forevermore on Him. Thanks :)

Student Teaching

Hello :)
So it's been far too long since I've posted but life has had some changes and I'm still trying to figure things out. I'm halfway through my second week of student teaching in third grade. I am loving it- my co-op is awesome, the kids are great and I already have so many funny stories I can hardly remember them all.
Last week was pretty hectic, Monday the kids started and all was well until lunch time on Wednesday when my cooperating teacher had a family emergency and had to leave suddenly. We had just started any sort of content that morning and since the classes rotate 3 times 1 1/2 of the class periods were finished by lunch- leaving 1 1/2 more classes left for the day. The school placed someone in the room with me who said "you've been here so you'll bee fine to teach- right" YIKES! It turned out great though, she tag-teamed everything with me and it all turned out fine. My teacher ended up being out the rest of the week and between the sub and I things were kept running and the routine was kept. In the end I'm really thankful for the experience.

Sometime last week I saw this quote by Ann Voskamp which was such a great reminder:

"Because it's never about your capabilities. When you're in covenant with Christ, it's His responsibility to cover your cracks, to be all your competency and completeness. Inabilities, in Christ, are made all-sufficient, just-right abilities. Abandon worries and wholly abide."

I have a feeling I may attach that to my binder for this semester somewhere. It's SO not about what we can do, but all about what God is doing through us. Love that.

Broken Cisterns

So this summer I've been slowly rereading a book that I was given last summer upon returning home from Togo. This morning I read a portion of the book that really got me thinking. The book is called Unearth and it's by Christy Vidrine and Autumn Rogers, I highly recommend it (especially if you've ever gone over seas or are planning to ever go).

"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters,and hewed out cisterns for themselves,broken cisterns that can hold no water." Jeremiah 2:13

"We were never made to love within our own power. We are broken cisterns and we spend most of our time and energy trying to keep enough 'water' to sustain ourselves. God knew this and that is why He tells us to stay near the living water. We must be ever renewed by Him if we are going to love others well. If Christ's love is the only thing that can truly sustain and fulfill you, then how can we ever love apart from it. God tells us our broken cisterns can hold no water; we must come to Him to provide."

Cisterns (from what I understand it after looking it up on the completely reliable source google ;)) are kind of like wells, they were used to hold water. Broken cisterns are practically worthless, dirt would enter the water making it pretty much unusable. We build our own cisterns we we try to control things or when we think we can do it all on our own. The cisterns we build are cracked unable to be fully filled or used. I'd imagine that when a cistern was cracked water would also leak out, making it nearly impossible to keep the cistern full. Without Him we can do nothing, without Him we are empty and unsatisfied. We are broken cisterns who need to rely on Him so He can fill in our cracks, make us whole, and use us for what we were intended.

Giving Him Control, I'm just a Sweaty Mess

Yesterday was probably the hottest day of the year. 102 with a "real feel" of 115= INSANE! The schedule at camp was changed so that the kids were ushered from the pool to a small trailer with air conditioning the whole day in order that no one would get sick and as far as I know- it worked! I started off the morning with a note from my 'secret buddy' (Secret buddies is something our camp does between staff memebers to encourage each other throughout the summer, each of us is given a name with a list of some of the things they enjoy so we know how best to encourage them). The note was a beautiful hand made card with this verse on it:

‎"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

The verse was such a good reminder that even though the day was hot and gross, there was no real reason to complain because this day was handcrafted by God and our only response should really be thankfulness.
Although the day was sooooo hotttt (the kind of hot where you feel as if you're covered in sticky syrup and you're walking into an oven each time you step out of the air conditioning) I'm pretty sure it was my favorite day of camp thus far. This week, in general was probably my favorite week at camp my past four summers there. I really felt like I was doing what God created me to do, and if you've ever had that feeling before then you know what I'm talking about- if not, I can't describe it it's just too wonderful it's as if all the pieces have come together and you feel completely at home.

This week, I was the camp bible teacher which meant that each day I was given the opportunity to share the truths with each group of kids (minus preschool and kindergarten, they have a separate time for just them) every. day. The first day I was really nervous, especially when it came time for the 5th/6th grade boys group (you know how intimidating boys that age can be ;)). The camp gave me some ideas for each day to go along with the main lesson for the week "God is always with you" but essentially as long as I did the main topic for each day, I could do whatever else I felt led to do with each group. On Monday I went up to the pavilion for a half hour before the kids structured activities started to prepare my heart and calm my nerves, I spent time in the word and praying that He would be the one speaking to these kids, not me, that it would be all in His power. I prayed that their hearts would be open to what He had to teach them and that my fears and my own ideas wouldn't inhibit what he had for them in ANY way. I felt such peace after turning it all over to Him. God really taught me this week how He really has it all under control, we just have to let go and let Him do his thing. Of course there were many points this week, where I needed to be reminded that there was no reason for me to be nervous, because it's His power at work not mine and that I needed to trust that if I let go He would give the words the kids needed to hear.

Although all week was hot, as the week went on it got progressively hotter. Each Friday at camp we have chapel, in my last post I talked a little about chapel last week. Well, this week I was to give the message at chapel. Thursday night I stayed up later than I should reading and rereading what I had planned. Chapel is meant to be an overview of all that was taught in bible that week and a presentation of the gospel, this week the entire camp's theme was "We R Family" and in bible we talked about Ruth & Naomi, the trinity, and the body of Christ. I had talked with the kids about being a part of the family of God each day and tied each day back to it and how God created and loves each of us wholly and entirely so much that he sent His son to die for us, in our place, so that we could spend eternity with Him. I talked about the Holy Spirit and how once we become a part of the family of God we are promised the Holy Spirit, a special helper that comes to live inside of us when we make the decision to live for Christ, which is with us wherever we go.

At the beginning of Chapel I tried to carefully read through my bullet pointed list I had made so I wouldn't miss anything. Part way through, me a drippy sweaty mess and my thoughts slightly frantic, I gave up in trying read it. I thought you know what, I've been making such a point of leaning on God alllll week, why am I trying to take over and control this so much?! So I put the paper down and God gave me the words, and immediately I felt a sense of peace sweep over me! It was as if God was saying, "TRUST Me, my ways are so much better than yours and I've got this completely under control, I have a plan for this." Andddddd 14 kids professed that they put their faith in Christ yesterday! So exciting!

I'm going to end with a quote from a blog I've been following for a while, this girl's life is sooo encouraging!

"All I want is more eyes on Him. I am just a broken mess, grabbing for His feet, reaching out to touch His cloak, thankful for His mercy that washes over me. I am just a little girl, relieved to crawl into His lap and curl up there."

Restless til I rest in You

The past few weeks have been crazy with work and projects, I've been cherishing my short time early in the morning when I can sit down and just be with God and I've been blown away by the fact that in Christ we are children of God and have access to His kingdom. WE HAVE ACCESS TO THE KINGDOM OF GOD, and although the gift is free and is given freely- it came at a cost. Jesus came to earth, became a human- something that was completely selfless. Christ probably wasn’t thinking- I’d like to know what it’s like to live in a world full of sin and evil- where people live under the reign of Satan instead of my Father, but He did it for us. We have been given the gift of eternal life through Christ’s sacrificial love for us- so should we desire to live a life of sacrifice in return? A life fully trusting in God, relying on Him for all of our needs and desires, life yearning to please our King is what we were made for.

Over the summer a passage that I continued to look back on was Jeremiah 17, it has become a favorite since then.

“This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trust in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will dwell in the parched places of the desert in a salt land where no one lives.”(Verses 5-6)

How often do we depend on others for our strength- do we run to them for comfort and help? I know that more frequently than not, I seek peoples approval and comfort before I go to God and rest in His arms. There’s a song by Audrey Assad that says “I’m restless until I rest in You,” we were hand created by God, for His glory and purposes and cannot be filled or satisfied by anything or anyone other than him. These verses say that a person who seeks after/depends on humans for strength will live in the wastelands, the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. I picture a tree in the desert with no leaves dry with no supply of water and no way to be nourished.

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (verses 7-8)

These verses are so full of hope and promise. Those who trust in the Lord, who find their confidence in Him are like a tree who never has to worry about how it will continue to thrive and grow and never fails to bear fruit. If our trust wholly rests in the hands of our creator we have no reason to fear or lack in confidence because the God who made the universe is holding our life. If we live each moment to seek and know Him, to glorify Him in our lives so that He becomes greater we become less we will be like a tree whose roots go down in a stream and always have a source of life.
It’s crazy sometimes how when God’s teaching you something it’s like the repeat button is on everything you hear or say, everything ‘happens’ to have a common theme- I don’t believe it’s a coincidence.

In church the past few weeks the pastor has been going through Proverbs 3, it’s been so cool to see that the whole chapter is really about trust- I’ve grown up knowing the verses 5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

Trust means to take refuge, put confidence in, Lean means to rest upon, seek support of, and ‘our own understanding’ means our own skills, intelligence, senses and emotion. On our own, apart from Jesus we can do nothing, as much as we try or think we can, we can’t. Take refuge, put your confidence and trust in the Lord with your whole heart, rest upon, seek support of, rely and lean not on ourselves but on Christ and He will supply me with all that we need and we will have no reason to fear when hard times come because the creator of the world holds us and our confidence is in Him.

Looking Back and Moving Forward

So it's nearing the end of my second week of school. I'm all settled into my room and getting used to being back.I'm working at remembering and living out the lessons God taught me this summer by trying to let go and surrender each day to Christ.
Today I have for the most part free, so I decided to sit down and read through my journal from Togo (or at least some of it, it's pretty long!) I found an entry from the third week where I listed all of the lessons I had learned so far on the journey, this is it :)

"Lessons learned from Togo

Though I've only been here for a few short weeks I've already learned so much that I don't want to ever forget.
I've learned how blessed I truly am, I grew up in a place where material things are taken for granted, and so easily I'm blinded and forget how much I'm blessed each day. I've seen how truly lucky I am.

I've seen how faithful God is and learned the power of prayer. I've learned the importance of abiding in God ALONE.

I've seen how much control and how many distractions Satan uses to draw me away from God. I've learned that if I just spend the time I set apart for God for HIS glory, and really dig deep, how much He has to reveal to me. I've learned that abiding and trusting God with everything means fully surrendering without fear or doubt.

I've learned how little I know and how much I need to learn.

I've seen firsthand how God can use anything He wants, even the color of my skin to reveal His glory. I've realized how often I limit God's power in my mind and I know that He is capable of much more than i can imagine and does things in HIS timing HIS way. I've learned how sweet and good His timing and and His way really are.

I've seen poverty and lifestyles I hardly believed existed or had only read about it books or seen on t.v. I've seen how much joy that believers living in those hard situations have and how they realize that this life isn't about them or their wants or needs, but God is good despite the circumstances and His joy lasts.

I've seen how much sin reigns over peoples lives and how much we are in need of a Savior. I've learned how strong Satan is, but how much STRONGER God is. I've learned that PERFECT LOVE casts out ALL fear.

I've learned that when you turn all your worries and anxieties over to Christ FULLY and lay them at the cross He will supply all you need and FILL you with a peace and joy beyond any we have tried to build for ourselves or find here on this earth. And indescribable peace and joy that can only come from Christ.

I've learned that God is Sovereign and His ways and His purposes are higher than any of mine could ever be (by far.)

I've learned that even though at times I may feel worthless, useless or incomplete ONLY HE can fill me and satisfy all of my desires. God knows what I need. He is all I need.

I've seen the beauty of God's creation through His people, His scenery, in children's laughs and in the night sky. I've grown deeper in relationship with my Father in heaven and realize how far I have to go. It's come to my attention how frequently I've put my relationship with Christ on the sidelines of my life and how much I desire for Him to be my first priority in ALL areas of my life.

I've seen how powerful the gospel is and how through its simplicity and freedom people can be transformed. God is molding each of His children, God is transforming me, into His image.

I've realized that the bible is FULL of truth. Every single piece, every word, every promise. The creator of the WHOLE world loves me, takes care of me, provides all I need and I take it so lightly. I have no reason to be afraid or worried: the God who made the stars, the universe and everything in it is in control of my life.

I've learned more about God's gift of the Holy Spirt and how much His gift of grace and freedom from sin really is worth.

I've learned that although overseas missions isn't something I feel called to right now, His ministry is something that we as believers are called to each day, wherever we are in whatever we are doing. All we do should be done for His glory alone.

I've learned that although I often get nervous or afraid, unless I step out in faith and do what I'm afraid of and let go of my fears, those fears will never subside. Perfect love, only Christ's love, casts out fear.

I've seen how easy most American's have it materialistically and how entitled we think we are to having that ease. I've learned how worthless everything on this Earth is in comparison to Christ. I've learned to appreciate what I've been given more.

I've learned that each moment is its own and should be treated for what it is: a fleeting gift.

I've been reminded that my life is not my own, that the only purpose worth living for is God's.

I've seen, played with, and held some of the 'unloved' and 'unwanted' of this world and learned how much God's love alone is all that can satisfy. He is all they need, and He is all I need. As believers we are all called children of God.

I've learned that when you 'lose your life' for Christ that is when you find it.

I am hidden with Christ in God and He is all I need. All else can fade away, all I need is Jesus.

I've seen how much I struggle with pride, selfishness, patience, compassion, kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness (just to name a few) and know that only with the help of the Holy Spirit can any of that change.

I've been reminded of how unworthy I am of God's gift and how much I don't deserve His love and grace and how my life should be lived as a life of praise and thankfulness to the King.

I have been entrusted (1 Timothy 1:14) with the gift of the gospel, I am an heir to His inheritance and have access to the kingdom. I need to live a life worthy of the gospel (Philippians 1:27) and of the calling. I need to pour the fragrance of Christ wherever I am, during whatever I'm doing (2 Corinthians 2:14-15).

I want to daily live in His presence, soaking in as much of Him as I can and let it overflow to the world around me. I want Jesus to be the center and the source of my life."



"There is nothing good, nothing holy, nothing beautiful, nothing joyous which He is not to His servants. No one need to be poor, because, if he chooses, he can have Jesus for his own property and possession. No one need to be downcast, for Jesus is the joy of heaven, and it is His joy to enter into sorrowful hearts. We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. All our lives long we might talk of Jesus, and yet we should never come to and of the sweet things that might be said of Him. Eternity will not be long enough to learn all He is, or to praise Him for all he has done, but then, that matters not; for we shall be always with Him, and we desire nothing more." - A.W. Tozer

Identity and Reliance

Well, it's summertime! I feel like the weeks leading up to summer are so full of anticipation for free time to relax and now that summer's actually here I'm ready to actually be back at school haha. If anything these past two weeks have been a great time of relaxing and reflecting on this year. This year was probably one of the most stressful years, not really academically but spiritually, and emotionally. Looking back I see how God was using each event to mold me. When I look back on my journals and emails with friends from the semester I notice some funny themes, I started the year of questioning what it means to have identity in Christ and what Christ calls me, and asking God to teach me to fully rely on Him. Well for part of the semester I went through the book of Ephesians and wrote down everything that God calls us and everything He says about Himself. After finishing the study I felt like I knew a little bit more of who God calls me to be and how I am viewed by Christ and moved on to a different study. Well at the end of the semester I found the topic of identity coming up again, in almost every sermon, many conversations and through what I was reading in scripture funny huh? This time the focus revolved around the passage in John 15 about the vine and the branches.

'"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15:1-6

Verse 5 stands out to me the most... apart from Christ we can do NOTHING. We need to be rooted in Him and in Him alone. Our reliance needs to me on Christ and TRUSTING that He knows what He is doing with our lives, we need Him and His guidance in order to bear fruit.

"Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain." Psalm 127:1a

I need to surrender everything wholeheartedly to Him and be rooted in Him as my source, my builder, for everything I do, say, think, and where my attitude is rooted.

When our identity strays away from Christ, I think a lot of our sin sprouts. For example, if our identity is in a relationship our focus on God strays and we start to try to please that person whether it’s through actions or words. When God is our strength and our source, He truly is EVERYTHING we need. I often find myself praying for God to do certain things, with all of hope that He’ll do it MY way. God is all powerful and knows everything, so who am I to tell Him what to do, as if I know what’s best for me. “I am the vine and you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do NOTHING.” Without Christ in all we do our efforts are fruitless. If not for Him what are we working for?

I've been learning even more about reliance in preparing for Africa this summer. Going on this trip is such a leap of faith for me. I'm the type of person who likes to know 'the plan' and know what is coming up and be organized and ready. I also like to be in almost constant contact with those who are closest to me. I start to feel really insecure when I don't have control or when communication from those I love and am in a new environment. Don't get me wrong, I love camping and being able to just shut my phone off and be away from computers and technology for a few days, but I like to be the one to decide when it is okay for those things to come back in my life haha.

Well in just a few weeks I'll be surrendering my planning, my communication, and leaving everything and everyone that is familiar to me for six weeks. It's been amazing to see how God has been preparing me this year for this and how my finances and everything has been falling together. I can't begin to explain how freeing and cool it has been to just trust that the money will come in and to see how it HAS been coming in. God definitely has been working in my heart and mind to prepare me for what is coming. I don't know much about this trip, I know some of the possibilities and have talked with some of the people going through email a little bit and normally I feel like I would be freaking out in fear of the unknown, but God has given me this peace. Trusting He's got it all under control and knows what is best for me is all I can do right now. God is good!

"You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You. So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]." Isaiah 26:3-4 (amplified version)