Now that I am actually teaching real children in a real school I have been reflecting a lot about why I want to be a teacher. What aspects of my teaching am I trying to rely on myself too much for and have been noticing how much letting go and giving God the control I need to do- in every area of my life, including teaching. There have been some hard days and some difficult realizations that I've learned about myself. Through it all though, I really feel like this is something God has gifted me with, my abilities to teach are not my own and they are to be used wisely.
I've learned quite a bit about children as well, in particular third graders. Each day I learn something new about my students, I have learned that home, no matter how wonderful or saddening it is, affects every child- it molds them and shapes them in every aspect of who they are. I have students who come from loving homes and students who are the ones at home cooking, cleaning, and putting the younger ones to bed. I have students who are shuffled back and forth between homes so much that they don't even know where their home is. There are days when I come home with my heart broken and aching for the children in my classroom, and all around the world. There have been days when I have cried out to God asking Him why some children's parents just don't care. What I've learned through student teaching is that my deepest desire for them is not that they would be able to be proficient in math and reading, but for them to know Christ.
I want all of them to know that they are loved, they were created by the King, that they are not alone. He sees them when they're hurt, when they're alone, when they just want to be kids, he sees them when they do well in school, when they score a soccer goal and when they are happy. I want them to know that Christ died for them, that He wants a relationship with them and that He wants to redeem them. I want them to know that this world is not where we belong, that although academics are important, Christ is of the utmost importance, nothing is greater. I long for them to know him, to desire relationship with Him, yearn for Him and seek Him. I pray that they would see Him through me, even though I can't speak His name I want Him to use me for His purposes, to reach children for His kingdom.
I have 8 more weeks with these kids, 8 more weeks to make an impact on them. I don't want to waste them by counting down to graduation. God has given me these 90 students for 16 weeks for a reason, and I do not want to take it lightly. Too often I focus on what is ahead and I miss what is in front of me, I think we all do that.
At camp this summer there was a boy who, whenever his group was in the pavilion I worked in, would come to me and ask for a bible to read. He would sit at a table each day and read through the book of Psalms. He would sit alone and just read. It was clear he was so in love with the word. The last week of camp I asked him if he had a bible of his own- he told me that he didn't so I offered to try to find one for him. On the last day of camp I went to find him to give him a bible the camp had given me for him and he wasn't there- his last day of camp was the previous day. I decided to mail him the bible with a little note saying how encouraging it was for me to see him falling in love with the word, that I was sorry that I didn't get the bible to him before he left, and encouraged him to keep reading and soaking in the word. It was mailed to him and honestly, I completely forgot about it until earlier this week when I received an envelope from camp. In the envelope was a thank you card with the handwriting of a ten year old boy saying:
"Dear Christin, Thank you so much for the bible I really appreciate it. I try to read it every day. I hope I get to see you this summer."That simple note, made my week. God used that simple action to make a difference. I may not be able to give my students each a bible, but I can show them that I care, I can allow Him to shine through my words, through my actions and through my responses to behavior and all of the random stories I hear each day. I want Him to use me however He chooses, I want Him to take over my actions and my words and live through me.
I feel everything I hear about finding a teaching job in this area makes it sound nearly impossible. When I think about it though, God does not give us gifts and abilities to be wasted. He has reason for our training, for our desires- I don't think He would place those desires and longings in our hearts for them not to be used. My teaching career may not look like how I've always picture it to look. My abilities might not even be used in a school setting, or they might. I may not get my dream teaching job in a year, or ever, but I believe God will give me opportunities to use the gifts He has given me with for His purposes, to make an impact for His kingdom and bring Him glory.
Sorry if that was a bit of ramble, but that's my heart this week!
