Hey 2012!

Happy New Year!

Here's my life update, prepare for lots of random.

So far my 2012 has been full of lots of relaxation, reading and guitar playing (with my new beautiful guitar I got as a graduation gift from my parents :)!)- a nice way to kick of the start to a year full of changes if I do say so myself! I haven't been able to start substitute teaching for awhile it seems, which is really frustrating, but there is really nothing I can do about it. God has a plan.

The childcare center that I began working at this summer hired me back for one or two nights a week and I started back there last night. It is so strange to see the contrast of the students I student taught and children around here- it's kind of funny and kind of very sad.

The Passion conference is going on this week in Atlanta and I have always wanted to go- well, this year they've been posting the live sessions online- I've been loving it! So many great reminders and things to think about going into a new year full of a lot of changes.

Lastly, I came across this song today that I wanted to share- I am LOVING the lyrics.

Have a wonderful week!



By This Fire- Audrey Assad

Wrench from me desire
Lord ignite my fire
Until I burn, until I give it all up for You
Until I do what You’ve been asking me to
Cause You deserve much more
Than what I’m living for
So give me passion that is raging and wild
Untouched by pride with joy alight and purified

Chorus:
Left behind by this fire
Are ashes lifeless and grey
But underneath lies desire
That You have placed there to bloom through the pain
To bring honor and praise to Your name

You deserve no less
Than my heart’s brokenness
Until I burn like a star in the sky
To give you Praise, life Your name, to glorify

You have told me I have no shame.
So wrench me, mold me until I glorify Your name

A New (Short) Chapter

I'm a college graduate!!!!

I graduated Saturday and since then it has been non-stop Christmas preparation with the family. I'm finding it hard to focus on the meaning and purpose of Christmas. All I can think about is the next four months and what lies ahead. I already miss my students, the busyness of teaching and being in front of a classroom full of children- and it's only been one week. I've applied a few places for subbing but haven't heard anything back yet- which is expected being the week before Christmas and all. I just wish I could square everything away and be ready to start working right after new years, but I'm going to need to wait on God's timing and stop trying to get things to work according to mine. Ha running theme of my life- I need to let go of my grip of control.

I've also been struggling lately with identity. I've been a student for almost all of my life, about 18 years, and now I'm not. I've noticed that I've placed so much of my identity in that part of myself and now that 'student' isn't a term that defines me I feel lost. It's a reality check in how much I place my identity in Christ and who He says I am as opposed to how this world defines me.

I'm hoping over the next few weeks to find a part-time job, start subbing, continue with wedding/marriage plans (it's about 4 months away!), and build on my support system here. After my siblings and friends head back to school I'll be living here for the next few months- I'm planning to look into the small groups at my church and possibly join one. Although I'll only be living here for a brief time I don't want to miss the opportunities God has for me now because I'm anxiously awaiting the next chapter to begin.

Dreams

Lately I feel in transition. I've been thinking and it seems to me that people in their twenties, heading into college, in college or just out of college are full of hope. They have a hope that their dreams, passions and desires will come true. They believe that anything is possible. Then a time comes when those earthly passions are crushed or destroyed (ha I know this sounds depressing but hold on). We grow up hearing that we can do whatever we wish, we just have to work hard enough and make it come true. Somewhere between childhood and shortly after college many people lose that hope. Where does it go? Why does it go?

I believe that many people let go of their hopes and dreams because of failure- because doors have been shut. Failure is a part of this earth- heaven has no failure, heaven has no pain. So I've been thinking: if we are seeking Christ in all that we do and desire- do our dreams fail? I believe that when we are truly seeking Christ our dreams and desires are no longer what we want, but they become what He wants. When our heart becomes aligned with God's He transforms us into who He created us to be, He transforms our hearts, refines our attitudes and not only that but He transforms our dreams and desires.

Lately I've been thinking about what my hopes and dreams are. I've been reminiscing on who I was as a small person in elementary school and who I am today- how much has changed. Looking back on my past 4 1/2 years in college I see so much change in who I am and just in life in general. When I look back, though it can be really difficult, it is also very refining and growing within itself.

I've been wondering: are my dreams, my hopes, and what I do- are they really centered around Christ and have they been placed on my heart and are they being done solely for God's glory- or are they things that my earthly sinful selfish desires.

I believe that dreams that are focused on Christ, that are for His glory, that have been placed within us by God for His purposes will never fail. It is when they are for this world and rooted in sin and selfishness that they wither and die.

I've been praying for God to refine me so that my heart, mind, actions and dreams would be centered on Him and for His glory alone.

I am so excited to start this new part of my journey, but I won't deny that I am a little scared. I know that God will lead me exactly where He wants me to do His work and that I need to seek Him for all of my comfort and joy but sometimes it's harder than it seems. It's hard to think that maybe what I've been thinking I will do with my life may, and probably will, look completely different than what I've imagined. It's hard to let go.

I pray that we all will be continually filled with His unending hope, comfort and joy and constantly remember that this life isn't about us and this world is not our home.

"Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your word." Psalm 119:3-37

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:4-7

Come Thou Fount

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise mine Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

I am graduating in just a few short weeks and getting ready to head out into the real world. Though I am not entirely sure where I will be in the next few weeks and months I pray that I would cling to Christ more than ever. I pray that I would praise the God whose mercy never ceases and that my heart would remain fixed in His love and grace every day.

Teaching

I have wanted to be a teacher for...forever. In first grade and all through elementary school I would beg to stay in at recess and 'help' the teacher (I know, I was pretty cool right!?). After school I would retreat to my own 'classroom' in the basement and teach my sister and any one else from the neighborhood who would come over everything I had learned so far. I have a teacher's heart. Teaching has been a desire God has placed on my heart from a very young age.

Now that I am actually teaching real children in a real school I have been reflecting a lot about why I want to be a teacher. What aspects of my teaching am I trying to rely on myself too much for and have been noticing how much letting go and giving God the control I need to do- in every area of my life, including teaching. There have been some hard days and some difficult realizations that I've learned about myself. Through it all though, I really feel like this is something God has gifted me with, my abilities to teach are not my own and they are to be used wisely.

I've learned quite a bit about children as well, in particular third graders. Each day I learn something new about my students, I have learned that home, no matter how wonderful or saddening it is, affects every child- it molds them and shapes them in every aspect of who they are. I have students who come from loving homes and students who are the ones at home cooking, cleaning, and putting the younger ones to bed. I have students who are shuffled back and forth between homes so much that they don't even know where their home is. There are days when I come home with my heart broken and aching for the children in my classroom, and all around the world. There have been days when I have cried out to God asking Him why some children's parents just don't care. What I've learned through student teaching is that my deepest desire for them is not that they would be able to be proficient in math and reading, but for them to know Christ.

I want all of them to know that they are loved, they were created by the King, that they are not alone. He sees them when they're hurt, when they're alone, when they just want to be kids, he sees them when they do well in school, when they score a soccer goal and when they are happy. I want them to know that Christ died for them, that He wants a relationship with them and that He wants to redeem them. I want them to know that this world is not where we belong, that although academics are important, Christ is of the utmost importance, nothing is greater. I long for them to know him, to desire relationship with Him, yearn for Him and seek Him. I pray that they would see Him through me, even though I can't speak His name I want Him to use me for His purposes, to reach children for His kingdom.

I have 8 more weeks with these kids, 8 more weeks to make an impact on them. I don't want to waste them by counting down to graduation. God has given me these 90 students for 16 weeks for a reason, and I do not want to take it lightly. Too often I focus on what is ahead and I miss what is in front of me, I think we all do that.

At camp this summer there was a boy who, whenever his group was in the pavilion I worked in, would come to me and ask for a bible to read. He would sit at a table each day and read through the book of Psalms. He would sit alone and just read. It was clear he was so in love with the word. The last week of camp I asked him if he had a bible of his own- he told me that he didn't so I offered to try to find one for him. On the last day of camp I went to find him to give him a bible the camp had given me for him and he wasn't there- his last day of camp was the previous day. I decided to mail him the bible with a little note saying how encouraging it was for me to see him falling in love with the word, that I was sorry that I didn't get the bible to him before he left, and encouraged him to keep reading and soaking in the word. It was mailed to him and honestly, I completely forgot about it until earlier this week when I received an envelope from camp. In the envelope was a thank you card with the handwriting of a ten year old boy saying:

"Dear Christin, Thank you so much for the bible I really appreciate it. I try to read it every day. I hope I get to see you this summer."

That simple note, made my week. God used that simple action to make a difference. I may not be able to give my students each a bible, but I can show them that I care, I can allow Him to shine through my words, through my actions and through my responses to behavior and all of the random stories I hear each day. I want Him to use me however He chooses, I want Him to take over my actions and my words and live through me.

I feel everything I hear about finding a teaching job in this area makes it sound nearly impossible. When I think about it though, God does not give us gifts and abilities to be wasted. He has reason for our training, for our desires- I don't think He would place those desires and longings in our hearts for them not to be used. My teaching career may not look like how I've always picture it to look. My abilities might not even be used in a school setting, or they might. I may not get my dream teaching job in a year, or ever, but I believe God will give me opportunities to use the gifts He has given me with for His purposes, to make an impact for His kingdom and bring Him glory.

Sorry if that was a bit of ramble, but that's my heart this week!

A much needed break in the busy

Today I have a day off, and not only is it a day off but it's a day when the entire apartment complex I live in has off and it is silent. I think I forgot what silence is like- and how much I really enjoy it. Don't get me wrong I love to be around people, but lately this has been my life: get up, rush around to get to school, teach all day, come home help make dinner and eat it, prepare for the next day or work on projects and go to bed- then repeat. It has been draining. I'm the kind of person who needs some alone time and have not been getting it as often as I like. I can honestly say yesterday afternoon was my first time of "alone" time in over a week- crazy.

Since I've been rushing around and trying to get as much done in a day as I can my time with God has been lacking. For awhile there I was only opening my bible for group bible study times or to look something up to send to someone or to talk with my roommates. I need my time with God, we all do, without it everything falls out of sync: our hearts, our minds, our attitudes. Lately I've been trying my hardest to get up without pushing the snooze button to make time to be with God- and those days have been magnificent. So today, in midst of all of my projects and assignments, and thinking about wedding plans I am going to focusing on taking the time to be still, to just be with God. This needs to happen much more often and I'm hoping that it will.

In other news: next week is the half-way point of student teaching and this week marks seven months until the wedding. This will be my third and last week teaching full-time in the math room after this week I'll move onto other subjects and even other grades- I'm pretty excited to see what all is in store! I know that I can only do all that needs to be done through His strength and I can only glorify Him if I'm making it about Him. My soul is hungry for His word, in the busyness and planning it isn't satisfied and it won't ever be.

"If we truly want to find Him, we must stay empty and hungry for God alone...we have many tasks, even responsibilities, which have come from Heaven. However, the greatest need of our soul is to be with Jesus." - Francis Frangipane