This life is not your own

Well, the summer is coming to an end, two weeks from tonight I'll be at my apartment soaking in the last few hours of summer. I've been back from Africa for as long I was IN Africa for and God has continued to teach me things from the experience.

Something that God has been continually hitting me with is the fact that this life is not about me. This life isn't mine. None of my possessions, relationships, none of my moments, nothing belongs to me. It's crazy to think about how most of our lives are centered on getting what WE want and on US being happy. If life is about our happiness, then what is the whole point?

I spent this past week at the beach with my extended family for a (mostly) all girls week. It was astonishing to me to look around on the beach at all of the people and to try and figure out what they were thinking. I love to put myself into other peoples heads and try to figure out who they are outside of the moment that I see them. It's so cool to think about how God created each and every person, and each of them has a purpose in His story, but so sad to think that most of the people we see every day live their lives as if they are the main character of THEIR story and not a small part in HIS. I'm guilty of living this way myself but it's insane to think about how many people in this world don't know or really just don't care to know that they have the opportunity to be a child of the King, the Creator of the Universe and can have access to His kingdom. How often do we stop to think that our emotions, what we want/like to do really doesn't matter? I know that for me, I have to make a conscious effort to see past my own mind and selfishness, it's hard. We live in a culture that idolizes 'self.' We're told, often indirectly, that we are the best and that we can do anything that we want. We're told that being driven and accomplishing OUR goals is what is important, getting ahead of everyone else is what's important- but what about everyone else. We, as much as we believe we are, are not the center of our world. As much as we try to control our lives, we are not the ones in control. We need to live acknowledging daily that our lives are not our own, our moments are fleeting and don't belong to us. We need to live with purpose, a purpose beyond ourselves, because after all, we aren't the main characters of our story.

During debrief after our trip they gave us a small book called "Unearth" it was all about processing everything that we had just seen overseas and transitioning back into the fast-paced American culture. I avoided reading the book until this past week, not because I didn't want help processing the trip, but after the first few days back the joy that I felt made me believe that I was okay, I was processing just fine and didn't need any help thinking through things, well now that the distractions of life have hit me head on (and this is only summer break!) I've found myself starting to "forget" and revert back to my "old mindset." I decided to read the book, not because I necessarily realized this but because I had finished everything else I brought to read and it was the only book I had left, I'm so glad I read it though. I've noticed since being home that I have avoided trying to talk about the trip or really even think about it too much. It's so strange to think that a little over a month ago I was living in a completely different world, a world where physical need was so blatant. It's kind of hard to think about where I was and how the people I got to know live daily, and are continuing to live while I sit in my house with four walls, a roof, running water, electricity, a bed for each person and more food than we could ever eat. The book talks about how it's easy to avoid this tension in our minds, it compares it to the awkwardness we often feel when we see a homeless person on the street. It talked about how while we struggle through all of this mentally to remember that GOD IS GOOD. In a lot of ways I feel like the people who live in need are so much better than us who have practically everything at our fingertips. We live in a world of excess where we can be so easily tricked into thinking that what we want is of importance, it's 'the norm' to live selfishly. We are called to live for God, not ourselves: "And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:15

During my week at the shore I was blessed to spend an evening on the beach completely alone with nothing but my bible and my journal watching the sun set. It had been a few days since I had set apart significant time to just BE with God and talk with Him about what's going on in my mind, to separate myself completely from the world and distractions. I was reminded how easily I am distracted and how often my motives revolve around myself and not God. My prayer lately has been that God will purify my motives, that my life would revolve around HIM and not me.

I'm starting to crave the quiet, distraction-less times the times where I can just sit and write and think and be with God alone. Something new for me since I've returned from Africa is running, I've grown to love it- granted I don't make it very far and I'm not very fast but I love it because when I'm running it's a time that's practically distraction free. It's just me and God, no phone, no computer, no one else. Running is never something I thought I'd say I would enjoy.

I feel like I'm starting to ramble, but there's one last thing I wanted to share, a quote from the 'Unearth' book: "...there is an opportunity to be an offering every moment of everyday." Each moment of every day needs to be surrendered to God because the moments aren't for us to cling to and use as we please.

God's Fireworks

This is a journal entry from my trip in Africa that I thought I would share on here :)

July 4, 2010

"I'm pretty sure that homesickness was at an all time high for the team today. The end is drawing near and we know that it won’t be long until we’ll be close to the comforts of home. I think a lot of the home-missing today and to do with it being the 4th of July and people missing their traditions of the holiday at home and knowing that even though we’re on a different continent those traditions of fireworks and cookouts are still continuing.

Around dinnertime a huge thunderstorm started- all thunder and lightning- no rain. The lightning flashed as bright as beams of sun stretched across the dark night sky. After finishing up eating we debated on whether or not we should go out into the opening in front of our building to watch the whole thing. As we debated the power shut off (as it had about a million other times that day and every other day) and the lightning lit up the sky three times. We decided that we probably should go out and watch since it was pitch black and seeing to be able to do anything else was nearly impossible.

We went out on the porch and “ooooed” and “ahhed” at each strike (mostly just the girls because the boys were sick and had left halfway through dinner to go lay down.) After a little while the girls all grabbed hands and ventured out in the pitch black open area to stare up at the sky. We stood in a circle, holding hands, and sang as many patriotic songs as we could come up with at the top of our lungs- loud and off key. When we ran out of songs we just stood under the vast sky and admired the beauty of what was going on around us.

The sky was probably the MOST gorgeously, amazingly, beautiful thing I have EVER seen. There were few clouds and the stars were SO clear, the lightning struck around the stars as if dancing with joy. It. Was. Beautiful. Words cannot describe the beauty of the display God made. I stood there and tried to soak in as much of it to my memory as I could.

After some time one of the girls suggested that we pray to thank God for this beauty and pray for our country and families back home. We huddled together in a “grug” (our name for group hug) and began to pray. As the prayers ended, we said ‘amen’ and the huddle dismantled the power came back on. God’s fireworks display was over.
God showed us a small piece of His magnificence, beauty, and love through the lightning among the stars. We were homesick and missing the traditions of the home holiday, yet an ocean away God gave us the most spectacular light show we’ve ever seen. Even though it wasn’t the show we’re used to it was more glorious than any man-made display could ever be. It’s a few moments in time that I never want to forget. The time God made lightning flash among the stars."

Change in the Making

So I realize that it's been f-o-r-e-v-e-r since I've written on this, I kind of just made it, wrote in it and never returned to it. So much has happened in my heart and my mind since I wrote last, God's been doing big things in revealing Himself to me. I won’t be saying to much about Africa in this post but hopefully as time goes on I’ll write about it more. About a week ago I returned from most definitely the biggest adventure of my life as of yet. So much happened and I learned great leaps and bounds (God's still teaching me some lessons from the trip and I'm sure He will continue to do so for a LONG time.)

This past week I've had time to reflect back on the summer, my life and my relationship with God over the past few years. My time in Africa was a time with very limited communication outside of our team, and very few distractions I could easily sit for an hour or more journaling and praying and reading: spending time being still and communicating with God only. That time was so fruitful, and such a blessing. It was amazing to spend that much intimate time with God; I have never felt so close to Him as I feel now. This trip not only opened my eyes up to the world but to the largeness and sovereignty of God. I'm in awe of His greatness. He is so full of grace and so loving and I don't deserve ANY of it in ANY way- none of us do. He’s amazing. Something that has been on my mind a lot since I've gotten back is "okay God so you revealed so much of Yourself to me in Africa and revealed to me a lot about myself, how do I apply it here." If you've ever gone to a camp or on mission trip of any kind you know that when you get back you're on a "spiritual high" and typically in a few weeks that’s gone, once reality hits you go back to your normal way of living. I’ve spent a majority of this past week trying to go against the flow of the ‘normal’ I’ve tried to apply the changes and what I have learned the past six weeks to my ‘real life’ because let’s face it- if I don’t try to do it now it probably won’t happen. It’s been so freeing to just take time to BE with God and to take time to surrender what I’m doing to Him- He has filled me with and inexpressible and glorious joy that I never want to fade. I know that as I start working and head back to school in a few weeks that it will become harder to go against the norm but I really desire nothing more than to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ.

Right now I feel so full and so satisfied; my heart is so full of joy at times I feel like it could explode. I never want to fall of this ‘mountain top’ and back into the valley again I want to continue climbing- continuing to strive after God and living my life for Him. Christ is all I want to live for. These times I’ve spent alone with God I’ve seen how much my life and my mind revolve around MY wants, MY needs, and MY worries and how little I surrender myself to Him. Something that hit me kind of hard the first few weeks in Togo was the fact that in sharing the gospel with people I would often say that “Christ is the only thing that can fill you and satisfy you, He is ALL you need.” I spent a good amount of time thinking ‘if this is what I truly believe, do I live like that?’ the answer is no. That was a hard reality to meet, it was definitely a turning point. I know that Christ is the only thing that can fill me, and that He can transform an mold my life in MUCH greater ways that I could ever imagine or attempt to create for myself. I am blessed with so much: amazing friends, the ability to go to school, really every moment I am showered with countless blessings (we all are) but we don’t NEED any of it. The moment we start living as if we are the ones in control of our lives or that anything we have in our lives is more important than God, that’s the moment we stop trusting God. That hits hard too: how often do our thoughts and actions revolve around ourselves, how often do we surrender ourselves and our blessings to God and say “God it’s all yours- use it as you please” I know it’s been pretty rare in my life.

In Togo I started reading a book called “The Pursuit of God” by A.W. Tozer and it talks a little bit about this:
“We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really save which is not so committed.”

I need to let go of everything I cling to, no matter how difficult it is and cling to Christ with EVERYTHING. When my life is committed to Him what could be better?
At the beginning of this week I wrote out a few questions to ask myself on a daily (well, continual) basis:
1. Who am I living for right at this moment, who am I glorifying: God or myself?
2. Have I surrendered this to God? Am I trusting Him with it- or trying to deal with it on my own?

My deepest desire is to grow deeper in relationship with God and live fully surrendered to Him. I really hope that as life starts to pick up that I’ll remember that this life is not about me, that I am blessed beyond imagination, and that the Creator of the universe loves me and hold my every moment in the palm of His hand. Christ is all that I need, all that any of us need.

Identity and Reliance

Well, it's summertime! I feel like the weeks leading up to summer are so full of anticipation for free time to relax and now that summer's actually here I'm ready to actually be back at school haha. If anything these past two weeks have been a great time of relaxing and reflecting on this year. This year was probably one of the most stressful years, not really academically but spiritually, and emotionally. Looking back I see how God was using each event to mold me. When I look back on my journals and emails with friends from the semester I notice some funny themes, I started the year of questioning what it means to have identity in Christ and what Christ calls me, and asking God to teach me to fully rely on Him. Well for part of the semester I went through the book of Ephesians and wrote down everything that God calls us and everything He says about Himself. After finishing the study I felt like I knew a little bit more of who God calls me to be and how I am viewed by Christ and moved on to a different study. Well at the end of the semester I found the topic of identity coming up again, in almost every sermon, many conversations and through what I was reading in scripture funny huh? This time the focus revolved around the passage in John 15 about the vine and the branches.

'"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." John 15:1-6

Verse 5 stands out to me the most... apart from Christ we can do NOTHING. We need to be rooted in Him and in Him alone. Our reliance needs to me on Christ and TRUSTING that He knows what He is doing with our lives, we need Him and His guidance in order to bear fruit.

"Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain." Psalm 127:1a

I need to surrender everything wholeheartedly to Him and be rooted in Him as my source, my builder, for everything I do, say, think, and where my attitude is rooted.

When our identity strays away from Christ, I think a lot of our sin sprouts. For example, if our identity is in a relationship our focus on God strays and we start to try to please that person whether it’s through actions or words. When God is our strength and our source, He truly is EVERYTHING we need. I often find myself praying for God to do certain things, with all of hope that He’ll do it MY way. God is all powerful and knows everything, so who am I to tell Him what to do, as if I know what’s best for me. “I am the vine and you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do NOTHING.” Without Christ in all we do our efforts are fruitless. If not for Him what are we working for?

I've been learning even more about reliance in preparing for Africa this summer. Going on this trip is such a leap of faith for me. I'm the type of person who likes to know 'the plan' and know what is coming up and be organized and ready. I also like to be in almost constant contact with those who are closest to me. I start to feel really insecure when I don't have control or when communication from those I love and am in a new environment. Don't get me wrong, I love camping and being able to just shut my phone off and be away from computers and technology for a few days, but I like to be the one to decide when it is okay for those things to come back in my life haha.

Well in just a few weeks I'll be surrendering my planning, my communication, and leaving everything and everyone that is familiar to me for six weeks. It's been amazing to see how God has been preparing me this year for this and how my finances and everything has been falling together. I can't begin to explain how freeing and cool it has been to just trust that the money will come in and to see how it HAS been coming in. God definitely has been working in my heart and mind to prepare me for what is coming. I don't know much about this trip, I know some of the possibilities and have talked with some of the people going through email a little bit and normally I feel like I would be freaking out in fear of the unknown, but God has given me this peace. Trusting He's got it all under control and knows what is best for me is all I can do right now. God is good!

"You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You. So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]." Isaiah 26:3-4 (amplified version)